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The end of the world is on hold while markets are so volatile


The Grim Reaper has put his scythe aside for the time being and is looking at working to rule.


'It's always been my intention to team up with the four horsemen and take all humanity out in one big swing,' he said today, 'and to be honest I thought my time had come.  the orange leader in the US was threatening to deploy nuclear weapons, was talking about destroying entire civilisations and, critically, seemed to have zero appreciation that these things tend to go badly.


'But then, just as I was honing my blade on the stone of death he backs off and starts playing golf and planning a ballroom as if nothing had happened.  The four horsemen have wised me up.  Apparently they play the market - Armageddon is such an infrequent occurrence and, well, they get bored so they dabble a bit.  They noticed a pattern with their services being called for and some dodgy moves on the futures markets.  Now if anyone knows about futures, it's these guys.


'So, while Trump has been making a fortune for himself and his buddies the four horsemen have been making a literal killing.  Not their preferred type of killing, agreed, but they just can't help themselves,' said the Grim Reaper today.


'Sorry guys, if it's the end of the world you wanted then you're going to have to get rid of Trump.  Impeach him, lock him up, do something.  Don't look to me to do anything, I've got fifty quid on him taking the world to the edge and back again next Wednesday.'

Warren Buffett puts his fortune in Greggs

Warren Buffett, known as the Sage of Omaha for reasons probably only known to Americans who know where Omaha is (estimated at < 10%), has liquidated his fortune in US banks and invested in UK firm Greggs. This has pushed up the share price up from £17 a share to £3 quadrillion a share.  Buffett is known to be partial to a Greggs pasty, and was sold on the vegan sausage roll, which he said reminded him so much of President Trump but didn't explain why.


Greggs said the investment will allow them to increase their market presence, currently running at three Greggs per high street, to a Greggs every other store in England and Wales.  As they haven't perfected the deep-fried vegan Jock Pie, they will delay their move into Scotland until Bill Gates throws his weight behind them.



Picture credit: Wix AI


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