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Junior Doctors demand a go in a golden carriage


Junior Doctors have said they would happily forget all their outrageous demands about slightly less miserable pay and slightly more acceptable working conditions, if they could just commute to work aboard a golden horse-drawn carriage down The Mall, through Admiralty Arch, along Whitehall to Parliament Square.


One Junior Doctor said 'As a show of good faith, we're even prepared to use the golden carriage that is apparently more uncomfortable than the other golden carriage. Even though I work in Aberdeen, and would have to fly to London and then fly back afterwards, this would still save me money on hospital parking.'


A Tory MP boomed 'I like my healthcare like I like my expenses claims and the Guatemalan rent boys I keep locked in my basement. Private.'


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/analogicus-8164369/

Teachers demands now include a helicopter



The government has stated that the teachers' demands now include 'one million pounds in used notes, a guaranteed safe journey to the nearest local airport, a helicopter to take them to a waiting fully-fuelled jet with permission to fly to any location in the world - for every teacher in England.' Teaching assistants are expected to use local buses or Ubers for the first part of the journey except in London where they are expected to cycle to Heathrow.


The teaching unions claim that the statement put out by the government is 'inaccurate' and the initial version also contained 'spelling mistakes and poor use of grammar' which the government defended due to the 'limitations of running government policy using Twitter'.


'More importantly,' insisted a teaching union spokesperson, 'we didn't make those demands. All we asked for was an increase on the current pay offer to offset the rise in inflation and a commitment to better funding State schools. We'd have asked for various currencies in mixed denominations if we were planning to skip the country, if only to assist in maths, geography and home economics lessons,'' he added.


In other news, a government spokesman has confirmed that a film script for the next Die Hard movie had been misplaced in the House of Commons reading room after the film company making the film had requested access to the HoC for some action shots.




Opticians Opt Out Of Working



Optometrists Union spokeswoman Julie Piglet said '‘Our demands are very simple – we’re not looking for a pay rise at all. I mean, if they offer us one, we’ll have it – of course we will. But that’s not what this is about.


'For decades – centuries even – opticians have had to wear glasses as part of our schtick. Most of us had perfect eyesight until we became opticians. So our proposal is simple. It’s a like-for-like campaign. We demand, that all dentists must have false teeth, and all doctors must have the lergies. ALL the time – 24/7 lergies. And all surgeons must have something slightly wonky about them. That could be one leg longer than the other, maybe one arm shorter than the other... that sort of thing.’


This campaign has apparently been a long time coming, with many opticians as over the moon as an astronaut to be a part of it.


One optician said 'Before becoming an optician I had perfect eyesight – I was actually head-hunted by the SAS to join their elite sniper program.' He explained this to a coat hanging up on the wall.


An Optometrist Union statement read:


T O

W H O M

I T M A Y C O N C E

R N . W E W O U L D L I K E T O

A R R A N G E A M E E T I N G W I T H S O M

E O N E T O D I S C U S S H O W V E R Y V E R Y U N H A

P P Y W E A R E W I T H T H E C U R R E N T S T A T E O F A F F A I R S




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