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Sue Gray concludes: It's not a party without a conga line





The investigation proved that it was impossible to have a party without streamers and at least one girl crying on a staircase, mumbling something about all men are bastards. 'The gatherings that the PM and Keir Starmer attended were in no way parties. Mainly because no self respecting party would invite those two.


'For it to be considered a halfway decent party, there needs to be jelly and tequila shots. No one sung 'My Way'. And not one person chundered in the Downing Street shrubbery.


'The only feature that this has in common with a normal party, is that no one can remember any of the details'.



First published 25 May 2022



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Greased pig outlines his two-pronged wheeze for wriggling free



Loud snorts of conceited laughter were heard through the windows of the cabinet room in Downing Street last night as the Number One greased pig of British politics described how he has managed to squirm out of trouble yet again.


"Everyone thought Bozza was for the jolly old knacker's yard," said the swine, "but just when they thought they had me in their clutches, I've wriggled free and saved my bacon."


To admiring squeals from the rest of his herd, the greased pig continued: "It was really so simple. When we were all caught partying throughout lockdown, with our snouts in the trough, I immediately submitted to an utterly rigorous, no holds barred inquiry by the fearsome Sue Gray.


"Then, just as she was about to publish her report, I phoned up that gullible old sow Cressida Dick at the Met and said: 'please immediately start an utterly rigorous, no holds barred criminal investigation.'


"The result is that the police have put the kibosh on Sue Gray saying anything remotely interesting, for fear that it might compromise a future trial. Then in three months' time, when all the fuss had died down, I'll get Dick to announce that the police have found no grounds to prosecute. And, hey presto! Good old Bozza will have landed on his trotters again, just like he always does.


"Now, who wants to try my patent pig grease? Form an orderly queue and I'll smear it on your bloated hides. You first, Priti. Then you, Nadine."



First published 30 Jan 2022



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Envoy For Nations And Regions - Sue Gray’s new job explained



Sue Gray has quit her role as the Prime Minister’s Chief Of Staff and has walked straight into another job, that of Prime Minister’s Envoy For Nations And Regions. Ms Gray explained that when this Government swept to power they promised change. “I’m changing job already, so promise kept, for a change.”


She went on to explain more about her new position. “I am an envoy. A Government representative sent from upon high to venture out amongst the nations. The Six Nations, the United Nations, and, above all, the very vital doNations.”


About the regions, however, she was less clear. “I will certainly visit the abdominal regions. For a lot of colleagues I have always been an immense pain in the side.”





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