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Johnson Creates Two New Regulators -OffHead and OffT*ts - In Whitehall Shake-up






It has been announced that two new wholly independent regulatory bodies are to be established, in the public interest. The Office of Hospitality, Enjoyment and Alcoholic Drinks (OffHead) will have a broad remit and terms of reference. It will have responsbility for both quality - no rubbish plonk at official gatherings - and value for money, e.g. are extra discounts available from selected retailers for bulk purchasing of 3 suitcases or more.



OffHead will have a partner authority whose surprise appointment as Chief is Michael Gove. With a similar public exposure, this Regulator of Tonics, Intemperance, Thrills and Stimulants (OffTits) will be in good hands. And noses. It will focus on solid results, as opposed to the liquid assets of OffHead.



A spokesman for No.10 Downing Street commented, "The Prime Minister is well aware of public disquiet regarding the recent Sue Gray report, and the appalling behaviour by junior staff who should have known better. The creation of these two authorities will ensure that in future everyone understands what is required for the good of the Party. And a good Party will mean we are all subject to OffHeads and OffTits checks throughout. Now, please, I think what people wish us to do is move on from this. Yeah, move on. I'm gonna move, move on down the line. Wanna get some love, a love that's truly fine. Oh I'm gonna show you a-way so hot, I'm gonna get what you ain't got ... <deep sniff> I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?"




First published 26 May 2022


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Her Royal Highness, Sue Gray, admits to meeting with Boris Johnson on a number of ocassions

A spokesman for senior, but otherwise ordinary civil servant Sue Gray has admitted she met with Prime Minister Boris Johnson on a number of occasions.


Ms Gray, the country's top civil servant, met the Prime Minister a couple of weeks ago and insisted that the Sue Gray report would be issued without any edits.


He said that in a subsequent meeting, Sue Gray, MBE insisted that the majority of the details would be provided without redaction. After a further meeting, according to the spokesman, Sue Gray OBE would consider some edits but it wasn't until the Prime Minister met Lady Gray did she agree to let the government advise on edits, but didn't commit to agreeing to any of them.



He said that Her Royal Highness, Queen Sue Gray, VC, DSC, DCMG has determined that she is way too busy to issue the report and has agreed to knight Sir Boris Johnson at the earliest opportunity.



First published 23 May 2022


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Sue Gray concludes: It's not a party without a conga line





The investigation proved that it was impossible to have a party without streamers and at least one girl crying on a staircase, mumbling something about all men are bastards. 'The gatherings that the PM and Keir Starmer attended were in no way parties. Mainly because no self respecting party would invite those two.


'For it to be considered a halfway decent party, there needs to be jelly and tequila shots. No one sung 'My Way'. And not one person chundered in the Downing Street shrubbery.


'The only feature that this has in common with a normal party, is that no one can remember any of the details'.



First published 25 May 2022



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