'Dear Fishy Poo-Crack,
If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best, babe and I was the best Home Secretary EVER despite all the things I did, wrote and said - Priti Patel walked so I could fly. And just imagine what I really think of refugees and the homeless behind closed doors.
I want to thank the civil servants I shouted at and called unpleasant names in the press when they wouldn't allow me to cosplay Judge Dredd or Robocop. BTW You know you're only PM because you bribed me with a high ranking job, and I - very bravely - took that bribe.
We must leave the ECHR to align more closely with Putin and Lukashenko - they get it. Also it's got the word 'European' in it. Anyway, people don't deserve rights or due legal process. They deserve to be kettled, then bundled into unmarked vans and flown to Rwanda. Especially the woke, which is everyone who has BANNED Christmas.
I am the voice of the quiet majority, by which I mean I am the voice of the noisy minority.
Suella 'Sink the Boats' Braverman
PS Inevitably I'll get a GBNews gig soon. Want to do an interview?'