top of page
Search

'Dear Fishy Poo-Crack' - First draft of Suella's resignation letter revealed

'Dear Fishy Poo-Crack,


If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best, babe and I was the best Home Secretary EVER despite all the things I did, wrote and said - Priti Patel walked so I could fly. And just imagine what I really think of refugees and the homeless behind closed doors.


I want to thank the civil servants I shouted at and called unpleasant names in the press when they wouldn't allow me to cosplay Judge Dredd or Robocop. BTW You know you're only PM because you bribed me with a high ranking job, and I - very bravely - took that bribe.


We must leave the ECHR to align more closely with Putin and Lukashenko - they get it. Also it's got the word 'European' in it. Anyway, people don't deserve rights or due legal process. They deserve to be kettled, then bundled into unmarked vans and flown to Rwanda. Especially the woke, which is everyone who has BANNED Christmas.


I am the voice of the quiet majority, by which I mean I am the voice of the noisy minority.


Suella 'Sink the Boats' Braverman

XXX


PS Inevitably I'll get a GBNews gig soon. Want to do an interview?'




'Bring back Braverman!' begs bereft Starmer

"The Tories are scum, as Angela loves to scream at the start of every shadow cabinet meeting," said a special adviser apparently overhearing an ashen-faced Sir Keir Starmer. "But I never dreamed they'd fight this dirty." Saying this, he crawled into a corner at Transport House, curled up into the embryonic position and quietly started swearing at God for once again dashing the electoral hopes of the Labour Party.


"Suella was his talisman," murmured the adviser to bemused reporters. "However divided the parliamentary Labour was over Israel and Palestine, or nuclear disarmament, or re-nationalisation, Keir could always draw them together by holding up a picture of Braverman and uniting them in shared hatred of her.


"But with Cruella gone and her replacement seeming to be really quite moderate and likeable, there is now little or nothing to stop Labour from ripping itself apart over every issue under the sun - like it's always done - and making itself totally unelectable again."


Any further words from the special adviser were drowned out by the sound of Starmer hammering his forehead on the concrete floor and reportedly wailing: "Couldn't you have replaced her with a spitting cobra, or a Covid virus? Or Priti Patel. You could at least have brought back Priti. She was horrible."




bottom of page