top of page

With the UK in the grip of a mini heatwave and temperatures peaking this weekend, supermarkets report they are running low on typical hot weather items such as beer and ice cream. However, stocks of suncream remain plentiful.


"People need to respect the sun," consultant dermatologist Lucy Whitehead told us. "In Australia, they had great success with their 'slip, slop, slap' campaign. When we tried that here, a lot of men just thought we were describing a good Saturday night out. Brits think they can't get sunburn in the UK, like there's some form of special sunlight here that is made by St George or something, which explains the smell of roast pork mixed with aloe vera every time I visit Sainsbury's."


Outside a Sainsbury's in Basildon, several lobster-toned men are planning for the weekend by filling cars with crates of drinks and bags of barbequeable meat, but UV protection is nowhere to be seen. "It's not like Spanish sun, you don't burn like you do there," one medium-rare gentleman told us. "My uncle never wore anything to protect him; not in 1976, not any day he worked outside, and not when he got diagnosed with melanoma in his 50's. If it gets a bit much, I just have a dunk in the paddling pool and I'm right as rain. Besides, it all turns to tan a few days later and I get a healthy bronze glow. It's also good for my eczema, I'm hoping it'll help this red patch on my arm that's really uncomfortable and just won't go away."


image from pixabay



As the mercury heads up, newspaper picture editors are focussing on pretty young women sunbathing and certainly not climate change seeing the world burn.


Photojournalist and pervert Warren Wright was sweating profusely because of the heat and his internalised misogyny. ‘They have to be girl-next-door types. White, obviously – got to think of that racist market. Nice tits, obviously – got to think of the pervert market. Ideally there’s a sprinkler in the background to give a hint of a wet t-shirt. And they should be laughing. But not reading. That gives the wrong impression. Also, no fat chicks and no dudes.’


Wright spied two unwitting female students and instinctively hid in a bush. His long lens was fully erect as he leered ‘Phwoar, what a scorcher. They’re 18 – probably – perfect.’


image from pixabay

bottom of page