This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

The UK has gone into hot weather hysteria as excitement builds towards this weekend’s hot spell. It began on Thursday evening when Tomasz Schafernaker was rushed to hospital muttering “80 centigrade, 80 centigrade, that’s unheard of”. Darren Bett was spotted frying an egg on the bonnet of his BMW and Helen Willetts cast aside her normally calm and measured demeanour to declare that next week the UK will be hotter than the sun.

Of course, there is a serious side to these unusual weather episodes. When the temperature tops 100 degrees Celsius cattle are liable to evaporate, while rising sea temperatures have meant the Reformberg in the Arctic is on the move and is expected to slide into Makerfield in mid-June, depending on traffic. The UK will also experience its first ‘flameicane’, which is like a hurricane but with fire instead of wind, great for barbecues though keep your distance.

There are fun events too. In London the BBC’s Louise Lear and Sarah Keith Lucas will be among guests at Stav Danos’ place for My Big Fat Greek Weather Forecast, to which all viewers are invited. It promises to be quite a party. Bring on the high pressure, yay!

imge from pixabay

8 Stylish Sunglasses To Protect You From Your Toxic Family’s Gaslighting

1. Ray-Ban Original Wayfarer Clear Blue

The blue tint and UVA filters will give you maximum Gaslight Protection Factor when your younger sister - who got her teaching degree thanks to that essay titled ‘Irony and Social Responsibility in An Inspector Calls’ that you wrote, and she handed in without even reading - starts sistersplaining at family gatherings about how her life’s going better than yours because she’s 'street smart' and 'just knows how to play the system.'

2. Hugo Bo$$

Nude-toned sunglasses with transparent edges — ideal for embracing reality in all its bare, brutal glory, just like when your aunt, whose entire existence revolves around counting every single calorie YOU ingest, and monitors everything YOU have for lunch, dinner, breakfast, everything you drink, pee and poo, tells you she’s concerned about YOUR food issues. All because you refuse to starve your way into a size 8.

3. Dior Bobby RU1 by Christian Dior

These round, tortoiseshell-effect sunnies gently blur out all the surrounding bullshit. Perfect for those moments when your dad — who flirts with the woman at the corner shop or comments on the waitress’s cleavage — tells you not to use the f-word, as swearing is very unladylike.

4. VO5212S, Vogue

Rimless, leopard-print frames that scream ‘style’ and ‘emergency shielding’. Ideal for when your dad ties a T-bone to his head and asks your Senegalese mate if that’s 'a fashion thing over there', or takes a selfie with your 'fit friend' to send to the lads’ WhatsApp group… then tells you that you should look after your mental health problems because you 'take everything so seriously' and 'can’t take a joke.'

5. Gia Sunglasses, Tom Ford

Whew! With these glam specs, you’ll be glowing like a goddess and seeing La Vie En Rose through these amazing rose-tinted lenses as your mum — married to the male specimen from points 3 and 4 — sweetly suggests there’s something off about you being 30+ and not in a relationship.

6. Symbole, Prada

These sharply angular black sunglasses go with anything — especially on those occasions when your grandma suggests that leaving the house without blow-drying your hair, painting your nails, or wearing your cousin’s wedding guest outfit, just to pop to Tesco means you’ve officially given up on life.

7. Origins 45, Police

For when your brother-in-law from the 'send ‘em all back' school of politics opens his mouth. Just put them on. Keep them on. Doesn’t matter what he says. Do not take them off. Under. Any. Circumstances.

8. PRC Solar 999X Perovskite Solar Panel

Sunglasses won’t cut it if you’re from a large, toxic family. But don’t worry, love! This eco-friendly solar panel is your salvation. It packs enough punch to power your own off-grid system. Harvest every drop of family gaslight and knock some pounds off your next electricity bill. Go green. Go independent. Let toxic energy pay you!

Picture credit: AI generated image of sunglasses

Britain to Run Out of Beer Before Suncream

With the UK in the grip of a mini heatwave and temperatures peaking this weekend, supermarkets report they are running low on typical hot weather items such as beer and ice cream. However, stocks of suncream remain plentiful.

"People need to respect the sun," consultant dermatologist Lucy Whitehead told us. "In Australia, they had great success with their 'slip, slop, slap' campaign. When we tried that here, a lot of men just thought we were describing a good Saturday night out. Brits think they can't get sunburn in the UK, like there's some form of special sunlight here that is made by St George or something, which explains the smell of roast pork mixed with aloe vera every time I visit Sainsbury's."

Outside a Sainsbury's in Basildon, several lobster-toned men are planning for the weekend by filling cars with crates of drinks and bags of barbequeable meat, but UV protection is nowhere to be seen. "It's not like Spanish sun, you don't burn like you do there," one medium-rare gentleman told us. "My uncle never wore anything to protect him; not in 1976, not any day he worked outside, and not when he got diagnosed with melanoma in his 50's. If it gets a bit much, I just have a dunk in the paddling pool and I'm right as rain. Besides, it all turns to tan a few days later and I get a healthy bronze glow. It's also good for my eczema, I'm hoping it'll help this red patch on my arm that's really uncomfortable and just won't go away."

image from pixabay

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