Ukraine sick of laundering the underpants of sh*t UK politicians

Whenever a government minister totally craps the British bed we all have to lie in, they run away to Ukraine to have a bit of the Zelenskyy magic rub off on them. It cleanses the ills, dirt and utter filth, at least until the moment they return and immediately diarrhoea it all up again. It is known in Conservative circles as "Ukraine Washing".

'Unfortunately, there are so many Tories constantly fouling everything back home that there is a very long queue here,' sighed General Melnyk, of the Kyiv Guard. 'We could have panned the arses off those bloody Russians by now and stuffed them back in their shitty box - or poo tin, as it translates in Ukrainian - if we didn't have to keep stopping to smile and pretend we give a festering turd about what some dupka has shat up in Britain.

A Whitehall cleaning lady confirmed, 'You wouldn't think so much could come out of something so tiny. Rishi will just have to take himself and his pants full of excrement to the Russian laundromat instead. You know, the one round the corner here in Londongrad.'

‘Desperate’ Limbo Contest sees Sunak and Truss Sinking to the Inevitable

Having sullied the seemingly unending summer with increasingly frantic promises to lower taxes, inflation, immigration, hopes, integrity and class, the Conservative leadership contenders have only one thing left to lower: their focus-grouped, aide-fluffed physical selves.

Giving the final two weeks of the contest a carnival air, ‘Leadership Limbo’ sees the rivals battling it out to wriggle under a hastily appropriated broom handle on Great Yarmouth beach, desultorily lowered by two slightly menacing ‘Kiddyland’ employees.

Setting a trademark low bar, Truss’s smirk of triumph at her awkward squirm was slightly compromised by the urgent need to spit out three nitrous oxide canisters and what aides quickly dismissed as ‘probably not a used condom’.

Sunak’s commitment to sinking even lower saw him forced to tearfully drag his coiffure through an impressive pile of beach donkey manure. This lost the former Mr Byrite Southampton 1996-8 all-important poise points, but garnered grudging applause from the excited crowd of confused pensioners and waterlogged migrants.

With all to play for, upcoming rounds can be seen on Sky channel Loss of Dignity 374 every night, alongside political let’s-party summer roadshow programming including Brexit Bonanza Bingo, Hook a Duckhouse, Shooting Rogues Gallery, Ghost Train A Few More Nurses, and Coconut Shy About The Actual Numbers.

Image: taniadimas | Pixabay

Sunak promises to only supply unicorns "when we can afford it"

Tory leader candidate Rishi Sunak has said that "Britain must be sensible. Although we all like unicorns and we'd all like one in our back garden, I don't think we can afford to have them right now, but if we follow a realistic plan, we can start delivery in 2023. That will give us plenty of time to get a trade agreement with Narnia. Is that where they come from?"

image from pixabay