Whenever a government minister totally craps the British bed we all have to lie in, they run away to Ukraine to have a bit of the Zelenskyy magic rub off on them. It cleanses the ills, dirt and utter filth, at least until the moment they return and immediately diarrhoea it all up again. It is known in Conservative circles as "Ukraine Washing".
'Unfortunately, there are so many Tories constantly fouling everything back home that there is a very long queue here,' sighed General Melnyk, of the Kyiv Guard. 'We could have panned the arses off those bloody Russians by now and stuffed them back in their shitty box - or poo tin, as it translates in Ukrainian - if we didn't have to keep stopping to smile and pretend we give a festering turd about what some dupka has shat up in Britain.
A Whitehall cleaning lady confirmed, 'You wouldn't think so much could come out of something so tiny. Rishi will just have to take himself and his pants full of excrement to the Russian laundromat instead. You know, the one round the corner here in Londongrad.'