Sunak 'really regrets' not extending Rwanda law

A spokesman for the current Prime Minister, which at the time of writing is still, unbelievably, understood to be Rishi Sunak has confirmed that the PM has expressed real regrets over the timing of his General Election announcement last month.

'With the roaring success of declaring Rwanda a safe place he now realises that he should have gone for the Columbo supplementary statement - just one more thing before I go to the polls - and should have written that all six hundred or so constituencies up and down the country were also, in the eyes of the law, safe.  Seats that is, for Tory candidates.

'He believes we could have gone for the five-week election run-up, cared not one jot if he inadvertently handed the opposition a free pass through screwing up his campaign (known to happen), then after the count install Tory candidates in every constituency safe seat regardless of the vote.

'He knows it might seem undemocratic, but surely no more undemocratic than the Rwanda is officially safe scam, sorry, scheme but once completed there wouldn't be anyone left in opposition to stop him formalising it,' said the spokesman, adding, 'actually, we think he believes he did all of this.  I'd bet on it.  Ooops'

Badenoch and Sunak to become Dr Who villains

After the Daleks, the Cybermen and the Weeping Angels, the next alien species set to do battle with Dr Who will be the Tories.

There has been foreshadowing of the Tories’ arrival, as Conservatives have previously claimed that most young white men had turned to a life of crime as a direct result of Dr Who being played by a woman and then by a black man. More recently Kemi Badenoch and Rishi Sunak have now been throwing wild haymakers in the press towards former Dr Who actor David Tennant - all part of a guerrilla marketing campaign.

However, one long-time Dr Who fan grumbled 'It makes sense with all those soon-to-be-unemployed Tory MPs as extras, but the Daleks were already based on the Nazis, so how are the Tories different?'

Image: QuinBenson - Pixabay

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Sunak & Starmer debate who can wee the highest

In the absence of any policies, the election debate was reduced to a glorified pissing contest, with a bonus round on whose dad was the hardest. The party leaders then compared who had the coolest digital watch, followed by arm wrestling, best of three.

A confused studio audience watched the two miniscule men declare a frantic thumb war, although the moderator had to warn them not to be too loud, or she would confiscate their smart phones. Starmer riduculed Sunak's immigration policy and haircut, while Sunak accused Starmer of being fiscally irresponsible and smelling like poo.

Neither could grasp the basic arithmetic part of the debate but they both excelled at colouring in those they planned to deport. Sunak boasted he had kissed a girl, with tongues, but under questioning admitted it was his Mum. Whereas Starmer claimed he no longer wet the bed everytime someone said Jeremy Corbyn. Voters were left underwhelmed as both candidates left the stage, as it was long past their nap time.

image from pixabay