Scriptwriter says Rishi Sunak is not canon

Fans of the never ending flow of Tory Prime Ministers, were disappointed to discover that Sunak is not part of the narrative and there are no electoral plans for a spinoff series. In fact, Sunak is viewed with a sense of embarrassment and is blamed upon Disney studios for taking the franchise in the wrong direction.

'Strictly speaking he does not belong in this universe, he's too implausible and is clearly a fan fiction creation - if pixie bankers are your thing. Maybe in a multiverse where Brexit was a success, but even then he'd just be comic relief.

'The truth is Sunak is going to be written out. His non-canonical legacy will be replaced with an advert break.' Asked about how Keir Starmer fitted in with the continuity of Tory PMs: 'Oh, he'll fit in nicely.'

If you can't get a pharmacist appointment - try eBay, says PM

'Some people think we've been unreasonable, suggesting that to solve the GP appointment crisis they should use their pharmacist,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today.  'Did the PM mention his father was a pharmacist?  Well don't bother asking him to help, he's the Prime Minister's dad, for goodness sake,' he added, noting that the Prime Minister's Father-in-Law also wasn't available for consults unless they involve multi-billion-pound government contracts. 

Critics have suggested that pharmacists, while well qualified to count pills, mix medicines and search Google as well as any GP to explain a nasty rash on the end of an over-used penile extension, are also rather busy dispensing flu, covid and pneumonia jabs in lieu of GPs already at £50 a jab, and the public will have to wait several days if they want advice ostensibly for free.  The government has, incredibly, another layer of solution - use eBay.

'eBay has everything you will need - steroids, topical creams, homeopathic solutions sold in tiny packages,' said the spokesman, adding, 'it has already revolutionised dentistry with all the tools needed to extract your own teeth readily available,' he said, adding, 'and don't forget the dark web - the government will provide access to that medium for people too lazy to wait four weeks to see a GP or ten weeks for an emergency operation,' he said.

In other news the government announced that in addition to selling off £50K ventilators for £150 a pop they are selling fully kitted ambulances for scrap.  'With our new initiatives it's unlikely anyone will survive long enough for an ambulance to arrive to pick them up, so why bear the cost of maintaining them?' asked a senior government minister.

Photo by Serkan Yildiz on Unsplash

"Stop the boats" policy expanded to include flag ship policies

The Prime-minister has announced the expansion of his hugely successful stop the boats policy. 

"You can see the success for yourself; the number of refugees arriving by plane has shot up while the number of boats has gone down - that would only be the case if travelling a freezing cold stormy sea in a small, leaky boats was in, some way, unattractive.

"So the time is right to extend the success; I can pledge today that all the flag ship ideas will be stopped."

image from pixabay