Keir Starmer's grip on power has proved more slippery than a Peter Mandelson background check. Starmer has the look of a man with his own dark grey Mancunian rain cloud permanently drizzling on him - and with good reason.
Scientists now believe that if Sir Keir was accidentally exposed to direct sunlight, he would melt faster than his own waxwork. However, a recent spell of hot weather has helped Starmer out, as the Armies of the North find UV intolerable. The sun is the natural enemy of rain-loving Mancunians, whilst The Sun is the natural enemy of Liverpudlians and journalism and basic human decency.
Meanwhile, King Burnham has faced criticism for not articulating any actual policies beyond simply being Mayor of Manchester. A parka-wearing spokesman shook a tambourine, and sneered into his microphone, 'You could wait for a lifetime to spend your time in the sunshine... Some might say that sunshine follows thunder. Go and tell it to the man who cannot shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine,' before adding, 'You're twisting my melons man! Heaven knows Keir Starmer's miserable now. Andy Burnham is the resurrection, and he is the light.'
Image credit: ChatGPT
