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In a move that has set the world of superheroes reeling, Barbra Broccoli, long-time Bond producer and custodian of the James Bond brand, has announced that Batman is to be the new James Bond, taking over from Daniel Craig.


The announcement was made after an intense weekend of auditions at a secret location in southeast London which led to headlines like Broccoli to Brockley.


The caped crusader beat off competition from the likes of Callum Turner, Jack Lowden and Josh O'Connor, leaving those who had wanted the first black Bond bitterly disappointed.


On hearing he was successful Batman said: 'I've been an admirer of James' work for many years, particularly the strides he has made in tackling those who would threaten to blow up Earth itself. It is an honour to take up the mantle.'


Others are not so happy. Spiderman, Superman and the Hulk issued a joint statement saying: 'We deplore one of our number going to the other side like this, chasing the Amazon dollar [Amazon now has creative control of the Bond franchise]. We are also very sorry to report that Batman's faithful partner Robin has gone straight into therapy.'


Meanwhile, how Batman will use Bond's most famous phrase remains a closely guarded secret. Perhaps simply: 'The name's 'man. Batman.'


Image: WixAI


Christa Pike, the Tennessee woman the authorities seem unable to kill, is to be immortalised as a new superhero in the Marvel comic-book pantheon.


Pike, who has been on death row for 30 years following her conviction for the murder of a classmate, was twice subjected to lethal injection. Both times she came round asking herself whether this tableau of doctors and lawmen with their mouths hanging open could really be the afterlife.


After a frantic debate, those present decided it was their constitutional duty to provide medical care for Pike, at least until she was well enough for them to try and kill her again.


'Obviously her superpower will be that she can’t be killed,' explained comic book nerd Dwight Scabies. 'Not with poison, anyhow. Though I guess if they ever write a story where she’s released from prison, maybe gun violence or the American diet will get her.'


Severely brain-damaged and dependent on artificial aids to maintain even the most basic sentient activity, Donald Trump is nevertheless President of the United States.



Image credit: Wix AI



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US President Donald Trump has warned Iran that unless they surrender unconditionally to his demands he will start sending American superheroes over to the Gulf to end the war.


Trump said he would not hesitate in sending comic book heroes to finish the war that Iran had definitely started.


White House sources said Superman, Captain America and Wonder Woman could be sent to the Middle East within days and the Fantastic Four and Spider Man would be kept on standby if backup was needed.


Trump said he had regularly seen DC Universe and Marvel Comic heroes fighting for America in the movies and had been impressed by their 100% success rates in thwarting any bad guys who threatened US interests.


Superheroes have kept American citizens safe for over 80 years and their patriotism combined with a sense of citizenship and moral fortitude in protecting the flag would send shock waves across Iran and force the supreme leader to back down.


The president added there were already plans in place for creating a new superhero with special powers to take down Iran’s Revolutionary Guard


MAGA Man’s special powers would include terrorising small children, deporting people with brown skin and the ability to frack for oil using just his bare hands.


‘And if we can get Japan to send Godzilla to intercept Iranian drone missiles and Africa to send King Kong to protect the Strait of Hormuz we could have this war wrapped up in time for a round of golf in the morning’.



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