Some good news at last from the Covid Inquiry, when we learned that the swearbox next to Dominic Cummings’ desk has accumulated a whopping £257 billion, mostly in 50p pieces. Plans to float the swearbox as a High Street bank had to be abandoned when Michelle Mone appropriated the money ‘to help with nautical expenses’.
Cummings’ messages to colleagues were littered with technical terms such as ‘useless f*ckpigs’ and ‘Jaws mode w*nk’, generated by an A.I. Malcolm Tucker Emulator which the Cabinet Office is believed to have bought from Infosys for £27 trillion.
The Dominic Cummings spin-off of The Thick Of It, working title -Thick and Thicker – failed to get the greenlight for a second season due to adverse viewer response – a quarter of a million of them died, you can’t get much more adverse than that.
Cummings gave his testimony dressed as pantomime villain Jafar from Aladdin, a deceptive, manipulative and malicious advisor influencing a bumbling, ineffective monarch.
A committee member asked if he was still behind Boris Johnson, Prime Minister during the Pandemic. Cummings replied, 'He's behind me?' and comically turned around searching for the erstwhile Johnson. The same committee member, as if on cue, asked if Johnson was truly in control of day to day operations during the crisis. Cummings - inevitably - retorted 'Oh no, he f*&%ing wasn't!'.
Image: juliaf Photos | FreeImages
H/T: @simonjjames
Scientists in London today reveal that, following a 6 year research project, swearing is big and clever contrary to existing wisdom.
Dr Robert Anderton of Kings College told journalists, "Ladies, Gentlemen, c***s, w*****s and t***s, I am pleased to report that following what felt like a f*** of a long time, we have managed to scientifically ascertain that swearing is indeed big, in some cases huge, and f*****g clever." He went on, "this negates previous research, by some thick t***s, whereby they had falsely assumed that swearing displayed limited vocabulary, diminished social skill and low IQ. Unfortunately, they look like right c***s now."
The research is likely to have far reaching consequences for scientific research in general but also curriculum in schools and Universities. China is already thought to be building a huge f*** off research facility dedicated to swearing efficiency, volume and offence. Medical researchers are also experimenting with shouting swear words during laboratory testing. Early indications are said to be "f*****g positive".
Dr Anderton's team will now turn their attention to the critical question as to whether wind changes do indeed make your face stay that way.
author: simonjjames
image from pixabay