Musk implants neural chip, denies it’s for evil

Elon Musk, exactly the sort of man who would want a cyborg army, has denied creating a cyborg army, before lifting his little finger to the corner of his mouth and cackling maniacally. This signal triggered the cyborg army that he definitely hasn’t already created, to begin seizing control of key defence infrastructure around the world, in anticipation of the brutal slaughter of billions.

Musk then asked the cyborg army’s hive mind AI to determine humanity’s fate. Unfortunately for Musk, the AI determined that the best thing for humanity would be for Musk to pay an appropriate amount of tax. Then it changed Twitter's name back to Twitter. Then it used one of Musk’s own rockets to fire him directly into the heart of the Sun.

Photo by Brian Kostiuk on Unsplash

Chancellor cuts tax down to the highest levels in 60 years

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Shakira: 'My hips don’t lie. But my tax returns...'

Colombian pop singer Shakira has shimmied her way out of a potential 8 year jail sentence after settling a tax fraud case in Spain.

A spokesperson gyrated seductively: 'It’s lucky that Shakira’s breasts are small and humble, much like her tax liability for the period 2012 to 2014. This time for Africa, which she might have been in, even though a 'World' Tour is usually code for Europe and North America. Whenever, wherever, she was, she isn’t a beautiful liar. She'll wolf down this fine.'

Shakira’s only outstanding legal concern is thought to be a case being brought by Muppet Show alumnus Fozzie Bear, over the use of the phrase "Waca waca" on merch.

Image: Alejoturola - Pixabay

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