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New Chancellor announces plan to tax mud


John Healey's first announcement as Chancellor is that he is introducing a tax on mud.


A statement explained, 'I have long been concerned by the inequality of mud throughout the UK, the wealthy have a lot of it and those in the margins of society have very little. To tax people on the amount of mud they own is an innovative and socialist policy which will deliver exactly the sort of wealth distribution this country needs.


'Further, in my time as defence Secretary, I saw that the Army has an awful lot of mud, and rolling around in it is a core part of basic training for our world class soldiers. The tax the Army pays on all its mud will go a long way to help us fund the NATO defence spending target of 5% of GDP.'


Kemi Badenoch retort was written in mud. 'This is yet another socialist policy aimed at stifling commercial research and development. We have a great innovation culture in this country founded on the principle of throwing mud at a wall and seeing what sticks. Any policy which drives up costs is bad for business and my Tory voting constituents.'


Tax advisor Ivor Lottagold said 'This will inevitably lead to the wealthy moving their mud offshore. The obvious choice of this is the Isle of Man which could ultimately see itself becoming part of the mainland.


Thames Water has approached the Government for clarification that poo does not constitute mud. A spokesman for DEFRA said 'Thames Water does indeed have a lot of poo, despite its unsuccessful plan of trying to hide it all in the Thames. Further, if poo were classed as mud under the new tax, then the renationalisation of Thames Water would be prohibitively expensive.'


'It would really muddy the waters.'




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Thames Water could win Turner Prize


The nominations for the 2026 Turner Prize have just been announced, include a surprise entry from Thames Water.


While most of the nominations are from the usual list radical, up-and-coming, and angry young artists, the Thames Water entry is the first one by a company. Some artists are shocked (and angry), and believe that the corporate entry is a sell out that goes against the spirit of the prize.


Thames Water were not able to give any details about the entry. 'Someone else has submitted the artwork on our behalf, but without our approval or authorisation,' said a spokesman. 'We have barely enough cash to pay dividends. We have no cash for repairs. We certainly wouldn't waste good dividend money to pay an artist for an entry. We doubt that OfWat would be keen on that.'


Art lovers who are keen to see the Thames Water entry can view the work on the beach at Eastbourne. The installation, called Pile of Poo, can be seen at low tide throughout 2026, 2027 and 2028. The work is described as a dynamic, shape-shifting and pungent reflection on the nature of greed, mortality and decay.

Australian CEO who fleeced Thames water named as Immortan Joe


Intrepid Newsbiscuit investigators tracked down the owner of the War Boys, previously Macquarie Group, an investment bank/cult that were the majority owner of Thames water from 2006 to 2017. Immortan Joe was sat on his throne in the corner office of The Citadel in the Australian wasteland, a fortress stronghold containing an aquifer that controls all the water in the surrounding area along with a luxurious golf course and a spa retreat.


His financial team of experts were busy around the open office, their spiked armour occasionally clanking against their multiple screens.


Joe wheezed behind his skull mask, “In the documentary Mad Max: Fury Road, I don’t particularly come across very well. My nightmarish appearance and desire for a genetically pure heir was misrepresented as some sort of sex slave shenanigans; I will be suing.”


War Boys Plc, although a pseudo-religious cult led by an irradiated mad man, has consistently seen profits year on year and is highly respected in both the financial and despotic warlord worlds.


“I was accused of increasing the debt from $3,400,000,000 to $10,000,000,000 whilst paying out dividends of £2,700,000,000….and I’m made out to be the bad guy? Witness me!”


Behind Immortan Joe’s desk was an inspirational poster of a cat with the text, “Do not, my friends, become addicted to water. It will take hold of you, and you will resent its absence!” How delightful.


After spraying one of his worker’s faces with silver paint, he continued, “I think we did a good job at Thames water and I am very puzzled on how badly it is doing now. Control of water is no joke, anyway, I have to be off now and always remember, I am your redeemer. It is by my hand you will rise from the ashes of this world. Cheerio.”



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