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Thames Water could win Turner Prize


The nominations for the 2026 Turner Prize have just been announced, include a surprise entry from Thames Water.


While most of the nominations are from the usual list radical, up-and-coming, and angry young artists, the Thames Water entry is the first one by a company. Some artists are shocked (and angry), and believe that the corporate entry is a sell out that goes against the spirit of the prize.


Thames Water were not able to give any details about the entry. 'Someone else has submitted the artwork on our behalf, but without our approval or authorisation,' said a spokesman. 'We have barely enough cash to pay dividends. We have no cash for repairs. We certainly wouldn't waste good dividend money to pay an artist for an entry. We doubt that OfWat would be keen on that.'


Art lovers who are keen to see the Thames Water entry can view the work on the beach at Eastbourne. The installation, called Pile of Poo, can be seen at low tide throughout 2026, 2027 and 2028. The work is described as a dynamic, shape-shifting and pungent reflection on the nature of greed, mortality and decay.

Australian CEO who fleeced Thames water named as Immortan Joe


Intrepid Newsbiscuit investigators tracked down the owner of the War Boys, previously Macquarie Group, an investment bank/cult that were the majority owner of Thames water from 2006 to 2017. Immortan Joe was sat on his throne in the corner office of The Citadel in the Australian wasteland, a fortress stronghold containing an aquifer that controls all the water in the surrounding area along with a luxurious golf course and a spa retreat.


His financial team of experts were busy around the open office, their spiked armour occasionally clanking against their multiple screens.


Joe wheezed behind his skull mask, “In the documentary Mad Max: Fury Road, I don’t particularly come across very well. My nightmarish appearance and desire for a genetically pure heir was misrepresented as some sort of sex slave shenanigans; I will be suing.”


War Boys Plc, although a pseudo-religious cult led by an irradiated mad man, has consistently seen profits year on year and is highly respected in both the financial and despotic warlord worlds.


“I was accused of increasing the debt from $3,400,000,000 to $10,000,000,000 whilst paying out dividends of £2,700,000,000….and I’m made out to be the bad guy? Witness me!”


Behind Immortan Joe’s desk was an inspirational poster of a cat with the text, “Do not, my friends, become addicted to water. It will take hold of you, and you will resent its absence!” How delightful.


After spraying one of his worker’s faces with silver paint, he continued, “I think we did a good job at Thames water and I am very puzzled on how badly it is doing now. Control of water is no joke, anyway, I have to be off now and always remember, I am your redeemer. It is by my hand you will rise from the ashes of this world. Cheerio.”



New Thames Water mascot leaves a bad smell in the boardroom

News emerged today that beleaguered Thames Water recently briefed a leading ad agency to come up with a customer friendly mascot, in an attempt  to try and win favour with its less-than-happy captive subscriber base. 


But sadly, Tommy The Turd, a cuddly, brown, sausage-shaped character with the catchphrase: "I'd give that ten minutes if I were you," failed to win favour when the agency presented its proposed campaign to bosses.


Company bigwigs were said to be furious with one exec, who asked not to be named, commenting brusquely. 'Look, I know this company is the very embodiment of tin-eared arrogance towards its customers, but even we could never have hoped to get away with such a thing.


'The money we've wasted on this, over five hundred grand by the way, might as well have been flushed round the S-bend. I mean, it could've been divided it up between the board members as a little bit of extra bounce. Tommy The Turd has to be a shittiest idea I have ever seen. I knew we should've just hired that stupid, effing, pink, spotty wanker, Blobby.' 


image from pixabay


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