Thames Water have bought the Lake District to provide cleaner drinking water for London. The deal will involve constructing a huge pipeline to connect Cumbria with the capital.
Questions have been asked about how the indebted group can afford such an acquisition plus the cost of the pipeline. A spokesman for Thames explained 'We also get Sellafield as part of the deal. The nuclear waste clean-up there is expected to take another 100 years and cost the taxpayer around £120 billion. We've got a much better plan: We're really skilled at pumping human waste into the Thames so we're going to combine the nuclear waste with Cumbrian sewage and pump it all into the Irish Sea. We'll get the £120 billion which will pay for the entire scheme with loads left over for big bonuses for our directors and massive dividends for shareholders'.
A government spokesman went on to say 'With the prevailing currents, the sea will take the obnoxious mixture and dump most of it on the Isle of Man. The Manx have a weird three legged symbol which is a nod to their existing genetic mutations. The extra radiation could possibly get them back to two legs, on the other hand it could increase it to four or five.
Environmental groups have raised a number of concerns. A spokesman for the Environment Agency said 'I really don't know what the locals are making such a fuss about, with rising sea levels the sea will soon spill over and fill up all the lakes this scheme will have drained. By that time, most of London will be under water so won't need as much. I see that as a win/win. Plus this Government has already opened No 10 North in Manchester and the BBC pretty much operates from Salford. Do you seriously think that anyone is really bothered about anything further North than that?
The Scottish Conservative Party responded 'We do! We've got the largest lake in the UK by volume and a big old wrinkly monster', the Scottish Nationalist Party angrily retorted with 'That's no way to refer to John Swinney'.
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