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New Thames Water mascot leaves a bad smell in the boardroom

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News emerged today that beleaguered Thames Water recently briefed a leading ad agency to come up with a customer friendly mascot, in an attempt  to try and win favour with its less-than-happy captive subscriber base. 


But sadly, Tommy The Turd, a cuddly, brown, sausage-shaped character with the catchphrase: "I'd give that ten minutes if I were you," failed to win favour when the agency presented its proposed campaign to bosses.


Company bigwigs were said to be furious with one exec, who asked not to be named, commenting brusquely. 'Look, I know this company is the very embodiment of tin-eared arrogance towards its customers, but even we could never have hoped to get away with such a thing.


'The money we've wasted on this, over five hundred grand by the way, might as well have been flushed round the S-bend. I mean, it could've been divided it up between the board members as a little bit of extra bounce. Tommy The Turd has to be a shittiest idea I have ever seen. I knew we should've just hired that stupid, effing, pink, spotty wanker, Blobby.' 


image from pixabay


Thames Water saved by St Swithins Day

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After extracting billions from water rate payers since privatisation, plus loading the company with debt all in order to pay shareholders untold riches, it looked like the company was on its last legs as the government, country and anyone with half a functioning braincell could see it was failing in all aspects, unless discharging turds into public waterways instead of processing them to provide clean water was an agreed objective - clue, it isn't.


Now the final nail in its coffin after years of not increasing the water storage capacity through reservoirs and/or reducing losses through leaks it was gearing up to announce sweeping water restrictions such as hosepipe bans and stand-pipes in the street. Then, yesterday, on St Swithins Day, it rained. Practically everywhere.


'It's a bloody miracle,' claimed a spokesman for the CEO. 'We've been praying for rain on the fifteenth of July for months,' he said, adding, 'or a massive government bailout, again, but it's pretty much the same thing,' he said.


'According to the legend, it will now rain for forty days and forty nights. Probably one after the other,' he said, crossing his fingers and toes. 'It's guaranteed, isn't it?' he asked, probably rhetorically. he confided that he also hoped the government would rain cash on it for forty or so days, 'just like they used to'.


In other news the tooth fairy is real, Santa is watching every move you make. Gregg Wallace is the epitome of acceptable behaviour and the IDF are the good guys.



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