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Dog owner bound over after training pet to bite Daily Mail readers on arse




Magistrates in Hounslow have fined a man one hundred pounds and bound him over to keep the peace, after he was convicted of having trained his dog, a two-year-old German Shepherd called Rex, to "lurk nearby the newspaper display in Tesco and bite anyone on the arse who picked up a copy of the Daily Mail".


Simon Rothery a sous chef told reporters: 'I had had just about enough of watching a succession of smug blue-rinse old bats and Captain Mainwaring total fuckwits walking into the shop, reading the Mail's front page, turning puce, tutting loudly then picking up and buying it without even the slightest hint of embarrassment or shame. Not even one of them asked to have it hidden inside a brown paper bag.'


'What's more I have no intention whatsoever of complying with my sentence. Rex will continue to bite these reactionary bigots with impunity as far as I am concerned. They and their ilk are the reason the Brexit vote won in the EU referendum. I just don't know why they can't take a proper balanced paper like The Express or Sun.'


Photo by Anna Dudkova on Unsplash

'Hillsborough *sad face emoji*', Starmer tells The Sun



Standing resplendent in a 'I 💓Thatcher' t-shirt, our next PM declared his intention to found a Hillsborough Law - to protect any former editors of The Sun. 'We must never forget the 97 victims,' said an aide. 'But never forget which side our bread is buttered on, so in that spirit, we're backing Murdoch and Everton FC.'


Marking the 35th anniversary of politicians not giving a toss, Sir Keir said he would spring into action as PM. Exactly in the same way he definitely did not spring into action as Head of the Crown Prosecution. He insisted he was a man of his word, unfortunately he had given his word to Rupert.


The law, would require authorities to tell the truth, and not withhold or spread false information. Fortunately, Sir Keir would not be held to the same standard. Waving to a crowd of bereaved fans, he held up a fist of salute, shouting 'Up the Toffees!'




Cat dies, resulting in blanket press coverage



Tiddles the cat has died and many media outlets have shown an extraordinary fascination in the story, halting coverage of almost everything else.


Tara Taylor, who owned the former feline, sniffed sadly 'I loved little Tiddles. He was getting on a bit, but I didn't think his death would warrant blanket national news coverage for several days. The Sun did say it had a dossier on Tiddles' life, but they never produced it.'


'It's almost as though huge sections of the press are deliberately avoiding the casual cruelty of a government who openly court the racist vote. Don't the Murdoch press want to hold Boris Johnson's allies to account over their interference in the Partygate probe? It's almost like they'd prefer we forgot about that.'


A Sun reporter alleged 'At The Sun, we think paedophiles are the cats' pyjamas - the dead cat's pyjamas.'




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