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'Hillsborough *sad face emoji*', Starmer tells The Sun


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Standing resplendent in a 'I 💓Thatcher' t-shirt, our next PM declared his intention to found a Hillsborough Law - to protect any former editors of The Sun. 'We must never forget the 97 victims,' said an aide. 'But never forget which side our bread is buttered on, so in that spirit, we're backing Murdoch and Everton FC.'


Marking the 35th anniversary of politicians not giving a toss, Sir Keir said he would spring into action as PM. Exactly in the same way he definitely did not spring into action as Head of the Crown Prosecution. He insisted he was a man of his word, unfortunately he had given his word to Rupert.


The law, would require authorities to tell the truth, and not withhold or spread false information. Fortunately, Sir Keir would not be held to the same standard. Waving to a crowd of bereaved fans, he held up a fist of salute, shouting 'Up the Toffees!'




Cat dies, resulting in blanket press coverage


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Tiddles the cat has died and many media outlets have shown an extraordinary fascination in the story, halting coverage of almost everything else.


Tara Taylor, who owned the former feline, sniffed sadly 'I loved little Tiddles. He was getting on a bit, but I didn't think his death would warrant blanket national news coverage for several days. The Sun did say it had a dossier on Tiddles' life, but they never produced it.'


'It's almost as though huge sections of the press are deliberately avoiding the casual cruelty of a government who openly court the racist vote. Don't the Murdoch press want to hold Boris Johnson's allies to account over their interference in the Partygate probe? It's almost like they'd prefer we forgot about that.'


A Sun reporter alleged 'At The Sun, we think paedophiles are the cats' pyjamas - the dead cat's pyjamas.'




It's hot


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It’s hot, which is weather and not news. Unless you want to put bikini-clad women on the front page of your newspaper, shout ‘Phwoar what a scorcher’ and desperately avoid talking about climate change. Calling a newspaper 'The Sun' seems especially uncool right now. The heat is forcing some Brits to scavenge the deepest, darkest recesses of their wardrobes for suitable clothes.


Shelley Stevenson found some faded red shorts not worn since a girls holiday to Zante. ‘If these shorts could talk, they would probably talk about a Greek holiday rep called Stefanos. I wouldn’t be pulling out of his European Court of Human Rights if you know what I mean. He triggered my Article 69. He really stamped my passport. Nowadays if I'm having joyless perfunctory sex with my husband, I pretend that he is Stefanos. I've got kids, skyrocketing bills and an ouzo habit. I work in insurance. Oh god.' sobbed Stevenson, breaking down.


Gary Grimthwaite could only find a t-shirt from a colleague's stag do to wear to a family barbecue. ‘We were forced to wear matching t-shirts with stupid nicknames. My nickname is Gaz so why does my t-shirt say Slagmuncher in massive neon letters? I work in insurance! I could add umlauts and pretend Slägmüncher are a band maybe? I heard that couple are getting divorced now. She's gone off to Greece to hook up with an old flame - good for her.'


‘It is hot though, isn’t it.’


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