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'Hillsborough *sad face emoji*', Starmer tells The Sun

Standing resplendent in a 'I 💓Thatcher' t-shirt, our next PM declared his intention to found a Hillsborough Law - to protect any former editors of The Sun. 'We must never forget the 97 victims,' said an aide. 'But never forget which side our bread is buttered on, so in that spirit, we're backing Murdoch and Everton FC.'

Marking the 35th anniversary of politicians not giving a toss, Sir Keir said he would spring into action as PM. Exactly in the same way he definitely did not spring into action as Head of the Crown Prosecution. He insisted he was a man of his word, unfortunately he had given his word to Rupert.

The law, would require authorities to tell the truth, and not withhold or spread false information. Fortunately, Sir Keir would not be held to the same standard. Waving to a crowd of bereaved fans, he held up a fist of salute, shouting 'Up the Toffees!'

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