It's hot

It’s hot, which is weather and not news. Unless you want to put bikini-clad women on the front page of your newspaper, shout ‘Phwoar what a scorcher’ and desperately avoid talking about climate change. Calling a newspaper 'The Sun' seems especially uncool right now. The heat is forcing some Brits to scavenge the deepest, darkest recesses of their wardrobes for suitable clothes.

Shelley Stevenson found some faded red shorts not worn since a girls holiday to Zante. ‘If these shorts could talk, they would probably talk about a Greek holiday rep called Stefanos. I wouldn’t be pulling out of his European Court of Human Rights if you know what I mean. He triggered my Article 69. He really stamped my passport. Nowadays if I'm having joyless perfunctory sex with my husband, I pretend that he is Stefanos. I've got kids, skyrocketing bills and an ouzo habit. I work in insurance. Oh god.' sobbed Stevenson, breaking down.

Gary Grimthwaite could only find a t-shirt from a colleague's stag do to wear to a family barbecue. ‘We were forced to wear matching t-shirts with stupid nicknames. My nickname is Gaz so why does my t-shirt say Slagmuncher in massive neon letters? I work in insurance! I could add umlauts and pretend Slägmüncher are a band maybe? I heard that couple are getting divorced now. She's gone off to Greece to hook up with an old flame - good for her.'

‘It is hot though, isn’t it.’

Landscape Nature Sunset Climate - Free photo on Pixabay

If The Sun isn't the centre of your universe then you're a moaning snowflake

Guardian and protector of anti-woke sentiment The Sun Newspaper has quite rightly ramped up its mission to slag off the snowflakery of all scientific endeavour.

'We demand that everything remains just as it is. We know where we stand and we know what we like. Dinosaurs definitely didn't have sickeningly pretty feathers otherwise they would have been obnoxious influencers.'

'But it's much bigger than that. Stopping the Earth being the centre of the universe and inventing gravity just so we could give equal rights to all planets and stars - who do they think they are? Pull the other one.'

'And anaesthetic - who needs that? Just man up, grow a pair and take the pain. A slug of whiskey is all you need. Same with antibiotics. Can't deal with all those miniscule germs? Wimps.'

'Eureka ! Who says that ? What's wrong with Cor Blimey Guv ! And who is Archimedes anyway ? Telling people what he thought of when he was in the bath and that screw of his. Sounds like a pervert to us. The Sun says Send him back to Rwanda where he came from.'

author: notamused

Guardian launches "What the BBC Says the Papers are Saying" column

The daily article is set to be a review of the BBC’s “What the Papers Say” piece. It will examine why the BBC has chosen particular articles from “the papers” for analysis and what that reveals about the BBC as an organization. It will feature in depth interviews with industry insiders, expert analysis, cutting edge investigative journalism as well as random soundbites from ill informed members of the public.

Other newspapers including The Independent, The Times (both Financial and Normal), and The Telegraph are set to follow suit. The Daily Mail has confirmed its version of the column has been delayed in favour of its recently announced “Big Tits Bonanza X-mas Special”.

For future updates on this and other hot issues why not subscribe to NewsBiscuit’s “What the Papers Say the BBC Says the Papers Say” daily newsletter.

Image: Unsplash/Annie Spratt

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