Trump slams Shakespeare as "rubbish"

In a series early morning posts on what surely must be the most ironically named of all social media sewers, Donald Trump has turned his thoughts to William Shakespeare, branding The Bard of Avon as, "A stoopid Limey who wrote a bunch of crap."

Commenting on Much Ado About Nothing Trump writes, "Well ain't that just the truth?" And in another rather petulant post he asks, "Who the hell was this Henry guy? Seven goddamn plays about him when surely one would've been enough."

Passing judgement on All's Well That Ends Well, Trump's verdict was, "Huh. I thought that steaming pile of dogshit was never gonna end at all."

But perhaps and unsurprisingly, the great and the good of British theatre have been flocking to Social Media all day to defend, some say, Britain's greatest ever writer. Paraphrasing Shakespeare, Sir Kenneth Branagh commented: 'The mind boggles at depth of this Trump's total ignorance - and what's more, methinks he doth protest too much.'

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Tensions rise after killing of Abdul Abulbul Amir

The Middle East is experiencing heightened tensions today after the targeted assassination of Abdul Abulbul Amir, much loved leader of his people.

Though no actor has officially claimed responsibility, few doubt the killing was ordered by Amir’s ancient rival, Ivan Skavinsky Skavar. 

The feud between the two is thought to date back to a disagreement about the drinking of beer, with Skavar thinking it best in a straight glass while sat in a chair with the ladies, whilst Amir as a Muslim considered alcohol and other intoxicants “haram” and “the work of Satan”.

Whatever the original casus belli, the two have been skirmishing for as long as anyone can remember, using arcane weapons such as blunderbusses and bicycles hanging from balloons. 

Fears this conflict may develop into warfare with modern weapons were averted when trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney flew in and asked whether they wouldn’t prefer a Bud Light, causing both sides to realise they hate Mulvaney far more than they hate each other.

Photo by Kyle Head on Unsplash