Peter Mandelson, the emperor of smarm, has exposed himself again.
This time, it's in favour of already tragically wealthy overseas chums, at the expense of the ever grubbily fingered public purse. Tightening the genital screws on poor, put upon, hardworking Brits, a beaming grimace in softly spoken Rees-Moggian tones suggested that American billionaires should 'mildly threaten' the Treasury to tax them less than zero. Especially during periods of global financial crashes.
It's unclear if the promise to 'mildly threaten' would be a precursor to 'charmingly bludgeon'. The whispering menace prompted some discomforting thoughts:
If you don't do what I say, this dressing gown will slip open a little further;
Your lovely daughter's pony Cherubina could be clippy-clopping ungracefully at next week's gymkhana;
While you're not looking, your luxuriant, velvety bourbons might be replaced with inferior digestives;
Nice Horse Guards address... it would be a shame if someone decorated it less tastefully;
And if you do not tippy-toe more carefully, I may arrange a supper date for you with Michael Gove.
Image credit: perchance.org
Horror fans are eagerly awaiting the latest adaption by Stephen King, called ‘Autumn Statement’.
The film is a psychological thriller, in which an entire country is overcome by depression, gloom, despondency, and suicidal thoughts, all caused by a menacing and shape-shifting monster called the Autumn Statement.
Film critic and grossly overweight popcorn destroyer, Arthur Howse, is sure that the film will become a classic. ‘It scares the shit out of everyone. Young people trying to find somewhere to live or find a job. Young families who need childcare. Householders in big and expensive houses. Old people who need to eat, or keep warm. Farmers. Motorists. This film scares all of them. I’ve seen it four times and I haven’t slept since.
‘The great trick is that the film threatens so many terrible things – bad things that will affect hospitals, banks, businesses, charities, sick people, healthy people, workers, students – everyone in fact. Hellfire, the Autumn Statement even threatens the dead – undermining their dying wishes and taxing them retrospectively, so that they can’t help their children and their dependents. It’s mental torture. And it’s brilliant stuff.
‘The tension is heightened because there is no way to fight the Autumn Statement. It’s a monstrous terror that lives in the shadows. It's everywhere. It's all around you. Everyone is talking about it, but no-one knows what to do. If you think you can cope with one of its proposals, then two new terrifying ideas will immediately spring up to scare you rigid and keep you awake at night. The film promises you a slow and horrifying death, as your loved ones die around you from untreated illnesses, your possessions are slowly taken from you, you lose your job, all certainties about your future are undermined, and your money and assets are slowly drained away.
‘No one can defeat the Autumn Statement. There is no escape.
Editor's note: Autumn Statement is the fourth film in Stephen King’s ‘Black Economy’ franchise. The first three films are called Black Hole, National Insurance, and Winter Fuel Payment.
Image credit: perchance AI