top of page
Search

Starmer defo has free tickets to Oasis

While middle-age cokesters complain about ticket touts, Britain's least favourite Keir has wrangled comps and a backstage pass to Noel's sulky boudoir. However 'Freebie Keith', as he is known, is keeping a low profile, for fear of the public backlash and having to pay for them himself.


The reunion gig has kickstarted a wave of nostalgia, for a simpler time of no GPS, MCU and plenty cheap whizz. 90s BritPop represents a high point in British culture and a low point in musical history. Starmer is said to be a massive fan of any band that promises so much and delivers so little. He particularly identifies with the Gallagher's ability to be popular yet despised at the same time. He knows what it is like to be a self-loathing tribute act, with no discernible skills, other than a hatred of the poor people that got you there.


Getting tickets proved no more difficult than getting an aide to pick up the phone and promise Oasis £3bn in NHS contracts and a Ministerial post. The PM is hoping to blend in with the crowd in his three-piece neon tracksuit, but as one music journalist commented: 'If he wanted to go unnoticed, he should just dress up as one of his policies.'




Proclaimers hurt by lack of interest in reunion tour



Craig and Charlie Reid, the twin brothers who make up novelty pop/folk group The Proclaimers, say they’re frankly depressed by the lack of interest in their reunion tour.


'What more can we do?' asked Craig, or possibly Charlie. 'We havenae released an album since 2022, so that’s kind of like the band splitting up… sort of … and now we’re getting back together and going on tour. Why aren’t people selling their kidneys to get tickets? Though to be honest, there’s no need, they’re really quite reasonably priced…'


'That’s right,” agreed Charlie, or possibly Craig. “And we’re touring everywhere - Dundee, Ullapool, the Isle of Muck - so it’s nae like people would have to travel far.'


The brothers consulted Edinburgh-based PR consultancy Bemused Kumquat, who suggested that perhaps if their lifestyles were a bit more rock’n’roll. “Like if you two had a massive falling out, and it all got very ugly and public… any chance of that?”


The two brothers looked at each other uncertainly, until one of them said, 'There was that time we were watching telly and I finished a packet of Tunnock’s Tea Cakes without asking him if he wanted the last one. That created a pretty tense atmosphere, I can tell you. He didnae speak to me for a while. Though to be honest, I think he was engrossed in ‘Take The High Road’.'


Photo by Rob Laughter on Unsplash

bottom of page