Biden to use Time Dilation effect to slow down ageing process

Joe Biden has announced that he will conduct his second term as President in a spaceship travelling at the speed of light.

'President Biden will effectively not age', a spokesman said. 'So all those Republicans saying he would be 86 at the end of his Presidential term are spreading fake news'.

The next US Presidential election is a contest to choose the best American out of a population of just 330 million. Some observers have expressed mild surprise that the two best Americans in 2024 are likely to be the same ones who competed in 2020 - Joe Biden and Donald Trump. There are also plans to send Donald Trump into space but that’s just to save on prison bills.

Physicists have pointed out that if President Biden can be accelerated to the speed of light none of his messages will return to Earth, which would be a shame. On the plus side, after four years of travel at light speed President Biden could visit Alpha Centauri.

Genealogists are working on his family tree to see if they can dig up any Alpha Centaurians he could claim as ancestors. It won’t matter much to Biden – he never really knows where he is anyway.

www.newsbiscuit.com

A day in the life of the modern white collar worker

5 productivity hacks you might as well admit you'll never master

At the start of a New Year, its natural to reflect on how you can improve the way you work.

There's hundreds of simple productivity hacks out there. But let's be honest, you're not going to successfully implement any of them, are you? Newsbiscuit has helpfully summarised the top 5 hacks you'll definitely be ignoring in 2022:

1. Reaching 'Inbox Zero'. Gurus promise that you can ruthlessly scythe through your inbox, reaching a Zen like state of zero emails in just a couple of hours. They obviously haven't factored in your propensity to tick the 'yes, please spam me with loads of crap by email' box on just everything you do online, Be realistic and aim instead for 'Inbox 23,678'. Sorry, we mean 'Inbox 23,679', no hold on...Inbox 23, 680 - that Nigerian businessman has just messaged you again with an offer to deposit millions in your account by the close of play today.

2. Batch cooking. Prepare school-refectory amounts of delicious base tomato sauces and then freeze them for use throughout the year, saving you hours of time, say productivity experts. Remember this in September, as you reflect on just how much this process has sucked all the joy out of cooking whilst you try and to break up a frozen chunk of tomato sauce with a wooden spoon after you've forgotten to take it out of the freezer in time for your tea.

3. Time blocking - block out 20 minute blocks of time for particular tasks, and don't get distracted by anything else. Simple, yes? But you are unsure about just how many blocks you are allowed to allocate to 'sitting on the sofa looking into the middle distance' or 'checking twitter'. And the whole system is flawed anyway, since everyone knows each episode of Seinfeld is 24 minutes long.

4. Set a single goal for each day. Ideally this should be 'SMART' say all the best guides - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-Based. But can taking a dump really be classed as an objective, you ask? You are unsure whether it is 'achievable' after that carb-heavy Sunday dinner yesterday, but it when it comes it will definitely be measurable by the length of time others should avoid using the toilet.

5. Avoid reading productivity hack articles - this advice never actually appears in productivity-hack articles, but it is a nugget that could save you days of your time each January, if you could have been arsed to read to the end of this piece.

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