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Government to legislate against raised eyebrows

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With the right to hold a peaceful protest legislated against successfully, and with personal freedoms trampled on with impunity, the government has proposed its most far-reaching raft of laws to limit public discourse. 


'We are going to make raising a single eyebrow in a show of scepticism illegal,' said a government spokesman today.  'For too long the public have been raising a single eyebrow which deputises for "oh, really?", and undermines the purpose of the government which is to - er - govern and leverage as much money out of the system as possible,' he added.



Maverick members of the public are determined to get around the ban by learning how to wiggle their ears and raise their top lip Elvis-style. 


'Or, we could just vote the w@ankers out of public life,' suggested approximately forty million registered voters.  


Tory MP suspended for good use of party funds


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"We have suspended one of ours MPs for using party funds in a way which can only be described as kind," said a Conservative Party spokes-rottweiler.


"In a despicably caring and compassionate manner, this appalling do-gooder gave a large amount of members' money to Age Concern, and another chunk to Cancer Research.


"He also handed out some small change from the constituency office kitty to some homeless people near the station. And he didn't even sneer at them or lecture them while he did so.


"This MP has disgraced the name of conservatism and he can run off and join Labour or the Lib Dems, or some other bleeding heart progressive party if he likes, but there's no room in the Tories for the likes of him.


"And if any other of our MPs are ever tempted to perform some act of kindness for the poor and vulnerable, they should think to themselves: 'what would Suella Braverman do?'"   


Author - jeremynh



 

Tories back ban for those born after 2009 ever owning a house


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The Conservatives have backed plans to ban anyone born after 2009 buying their own home, effectively ensuring it will become law.


The measures, championed by successive Tory governments, survived despite opposition from several leading charities. Health Secretary Victoria Atkins told MPs "there is a ready supply of underpasses and cardboard boxes" as she defended the plans.


Ms Atkins said the plan would create a "hope free generation". However, several Tory MPs, including ex-PM Liz Truss, argued the measures didn't go far enough as people would still be eligible for free medical care.


Conservative MPs were given a free vote on the bill, meaning they were not ordered to vote with the government, however they just did it 'for the craic'. But full support by Labour's front bench, with the hope it would get them voted in, ensured the measures passed.


Prime Minister Rishi Sunak used his conference speech in October of last year to unveil his plans to ban people born after 1 January 2009 from ever having any sense of self-worth.





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