Sunak unveils £30B "Excuse-o-tron"

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak today unveiled the UK government funded "Excuse-o-tron" costing the tax-payer over thirty billion pounds.

"I am delighted to unveil this vital, UK developed technology today of all todays," he told a hastily put together press briefing, "gone are the days of 'leaves on the line' or the 'wrong type of snow'!" He continued, "This technology guarantees plausible, bite sized, media friendly excuses in a fraction of time it takes our convential, manual spin doctors. This technology could save us time, stress and most important may even save us at the next election." The ammased press laughed heartily.

As a demonstration, Mr Sunak asked the "Excuse-o-tron" to explain the recent Conservative by-election losses. The machine popped up a constantly shifting word cloud with phrases like "protest vote", "problematic predecessors", "low turn-out", "voter apathy" and "mid-term fatigue".

The demonstration took a more sinister turn as the word cloud then start to spurt out words such as "George Soros", "The Deep State", "Q" whilst emitting a loud curious, monotone wailing before finally replacing the word cloud with one word, "CORBYN!".

The demonstration was quickly brought to a halt by scientists heard to whisper, "quickly before it goes full Farage!"

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

After recent losses, Tories consider not using awful people

In a bold move, the conservative party have decided against using terrible individuals as MPs. This shocking manoeuvre was deemed necessary when a pattern was spotted by in house election specialists.

They decided that employing bullies, both emotional and physical, worryingly didn’t please the general public. Even firing them, then immediately rehiring them didn't provide positive feedback.

Even though a core element of supporters seemed to enjoy the incompetent racist vibe, it was difficult to attract new voters. A tactic of lining you and your mates own pockets with fast tracked money schemes was deemed sub-optimal in focus groups.

Using terrible people to choose who to employ next, ended up with more terrible people. A statement by a source close to the Conservative party said: ”Weird.”

They even tried a daring tactic of using desperate media whores who didn't care about their constituency. Surprising no one, apart from the entire party, this did not work well at all.

Conservative Alexander de Pfeffel Johnson was alleged to have been heard by someone close as saying “Only way to win is to bring back Boris!” The surrounding conservatives cheered.

Image: Pixabay/aitoff

Tories to replace MPs with AI Robots

NewsBiscuit has discovered a secret Conservative programme to phase out humans as MPs and replace them with Cyber MPs, using a combination of AI and robotics.

According to leaked conversations from the Tory WhatsApp Group, AIRFOIL (believed to stand for - Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Forum On Incompatible Lifeforms), a major problem has been identified with attempting to identify sufficient numbers of on-message, non-bullying, non-harassing and non-drunk human candidates.

“It’s becoming a major problem and the tech’s not quite there to replace them”, said one post. “There is, of course, a short-term option of contracting out to an outsourcer such as Group 4. This would be expensive but at least when MPs speak out of turn or are involved in a scandal, there would be agreed compensation payments.”

However, a more recent post on the Group by AIRFOIL “Scientific Advisor”, Grant Moore-Money, examined the testing further - “Sure, current tests show problems such as limited eye contact, fixed expressions, being vulnerable to jerky movements and repeating wild unsubstantiated stuff from the internet. But that’s exactly the reason why we need to replace them with AI and robotics, asap.”

Image: PixabayComputrizer