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Tories admit National Service proposal was 3rd choice

A Conservative party spokesperson has ‘fessed up that the idea of reintroducing National Service was in fact the 3rd in line for ‘harnessing the passion and skills of the younger generation’.

'Yes we did have even more exciting proposals! The first was to send 18 year olds down the coal mines. They would have been known as Rishi Boys (and Girls). After prolonged discussion to iron out the details, it was eventually realised that all coal mines in the UK have been closed – nothing of course to do with us.

'The next idea was to expand the entrepreneurial chimney-sweeping industry by reducing the capital and depreciation costs of chimney brushes – by sending 18 years old up the chimney. It obviously didn’t do Bert the Sweep any harm – apart from mangling his cockney accent. Alas it was pointed out that the current generation of adolescents are too fat to get up chimneys – we blame Starmer – and anyway most houses built in the last 50 years don’t have chimneys.

'We still have an ace up our sleeves. We are planning to construct giant treadmills across the country that will be linked up to the National Grid. These will be powered by 18 year olds. This will have the obvious benefits of their losing weight (see above) as well as preparing them for future employment – i.e. working hard and getting absolutely nowhere.'

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