Tories to replace MPs with AI Robots

NewsBiscuit has discovered a secret Conservative programme to phase out humans as MPs and replace them with Cyber MPs, using a combination of AI and robotics.

According to leaked conversations from the Tory WhatsApp Group, AIRFOIL (believed to stand for - Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Forum On Incompatible Lifeforms), a major problem has been identified with attempting to identify sufficient numbers of on-message, non-bullying, non-harassing and non-drunk human candidates.

“It’s becoming a major problem and the tech’s not quite there to replace them”, said one post. “There is, of course, a short-term option of contracting out to an outsourcer such as Group 4. This would be expensive but at least when MPs speak out of turn or are involved in a scandal, there would be agreed compensation payments.”

However, a more recent post on the Group by AIRFOIL “Scientific Advisor”, Grant Moore-Money, examined the testing further - “Sure, current tests show problems such as limited eye contact, fixed expressions, being vulnerable to jerky movements and repeating wild unsubstantiated stuff from the internet. But that’s exactly the reason why we need to replace them with AI and robotics, asap.”

Image: PixabayComputrizer

Tories to tell BBC to reinstate Playschool

Getting political messages out to all age groups became more difficult with the advent of the Interweb, a spokestwat from a Tufty Club think tank told Newsbiscuit. “Fewer people are buying newspapers these days; and political parties are appallingly bad at engaging the electorate on social media, because that relies on two-way conversations, which inevitably end up in tears. What’s needed is a return to good old-fashioned TV messaging. People used to shout at politicians on the telly, but nobody ever heard what they said, so overall, TV messaging was very effective.”

Analysts who have studied viewing habits and demographics in detail for decades, believe the Tory party is missing a trick by ignoring the captive audience that Playschool was intended for – essentially people with little experience of real life, do sod all to contribute, but expect the world to be handed to them on a plate.

“To be frank,” said one, “this year’s Tory conference was largely comprised from bits of old Playschool scripts, so it wouldn’t be like the BBC could get accused of bias.”

Image: Pixabay/pvdberg

OBR to focus on hypothetical Government spending

The Office of Budgetary Responsibility is to be renamed the Office of Hypothetical Spending and will devote 100% of its time to costing up Opposition spending plans.

‘It’s all very well saying how you’re going to improve the nation’, a Government spokesman said ‘but where will the money come from? Hmm? Answer me that if you’re so clever’.

Labour politicians have denied being ‘clever’ – an insult so potent in Westminster that it’s considered unparliamentary language – but point out that improving the nation used to form part of a government’s job description.

Some Tories have pointed out that they might be the Opposition quite soon, so the change could be an own goal, but Rishi Sunak has a Cunning Plan. ‘The new OHS needs an inspirational CEO, somebody who will tirelessly ask Labour where the money is coming from, and that is why I have decided to appoint Fiona Bruce to the role. She can carry on chairing Question Time, we don’t want that awful Victoria Derbyshire taking over’.

Image: Pixabay/6689062