OBR to focus on hypothetical Government spending

The Office of Budgetary Responsibility is to be renamed the Office of Hypothetical Spending and will devote 100% of its time to costing up Opposition spending plans.

‘It’s all very well saying how you’re going to improve the nation’, a Government spokesman said ‘but where will the money come from? Hmm? Answer me that if you’re so clever’.

Labour politicians have denied being ‘clever’ – an insult so potent in Westminster that it’s considered unparliamentary language – but point out that improving the nation used to form part of a government’s job description.

Some Tories have pointed out that they might be the Opposition quite soon, so the change could be an own goal, but Rishi Sunak has a Cunning Plan. ‘The new OHS needs an inspirational CEO, somebody who will tirelessly ask Labour where the money is coming from, and that is why I have decided to appoint Fiona Bruce to the role. She can carry on chairing Question Time, we don’t want that awful Victoria Derbyshire taking over’.

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Nadine Dorries inadvertently talks sense; rift in space-time continuum ‘inevitable’

Earth is bracing itself for an invasion of Daleks and/or Cybermen after Nadine Dorries issued a tweet about the Conservative Party Conference which experts described as “quite sane”.

‘Nadine’s tweet about the country and the Conservative Party being “ . . . a total, utter, chaotic mess” doesn’t have a scientific explanation’, a scientist said. ‘Everything else she tweets is batshit crazy. A sane person can go mad, but for Nadine to suddenly become sane – it’s like separating purple paint back into red and blue. It just doesn’t happen spontaneously. We fear that one of the laws of thermodynamics, you know, the weird one, might have been broken’.

Scientists fear that the sudden lurch into coherence might be a step too far for the universe, resulting in a portal opening up like in a Doctor Who episode, though for balance we should point out that NewsBiscuit gets its scientists from the same agency that GB News uses. They’re quite suggestible if the money’s right.

One possibility is that Dorries was sober when she tweeted about the Conservative Party conference. If so, it raises the intriguing – and heartbreaking – possibility that there’s a real, human, insightful person trapped within that shell – rather like a Dalek or Cyberman, really.

image from pixabay

Overcrowded prisons great news for shady Tories

Concerns had been raised that crooked conservatives were 'looking a bit uneasy', but it appears they are now 'soothed' by news that that prisons have reached capacity.

Campaigner for crooked politicians, Norbert Hermington, said "there'd been some serious nerves about the possibility that they might get their comeuppance, but with this news they're thankfully sleeping easy."

He went on to thank the Government for their policy of filling the jails with climate change protesters and petty criminals, and the Ministry of Justice for underfunding the courts. There was special mention to Boris Johnson for both failing to deliver the jails and extra spaces he promised, as well as extending stop-and-search.

The Prison Minister (formerly the Prisons Minister), Duncan Thwaite, said that the reassurance felt in many quarters was a testament to his department's work to ensure that the prison couldn't be at capacity, citing the inability to employ enough staff, several wings not being maintained as fit for purpose, and the limited access to rehabilitation programmes.

Tory voter, Don Hobart, said "I couldn't bear to think how distressed they were about maybe going down for all this corruption. I'm glad they can now go back to their mansions and palaces to peacefully wallow in their ill-gotten gains.

"I was worried about being voted out," said bent backbencher Alison Toppingham. "Obviously I'm still going to be voted out, but now I'm not worried."

image from pixabay