British government leads the world in identifying crumbling schools says minister

The Schools Minister has told Newsbiscuit that no other government in the world has identified more crumbling schools in danger of imminent collapse than the current Conservative one, so it’s an achievement the government is very proud of.

“Every year since the Conservatives came to power in 2010, we’ve added more deathtraps to the list” he said. This isn’t something the Labour party will tell you they did and it’s important that people know at the next election, that the Labour party never even made a list of crumbling schools.”

When asked why nothing was done to address the risk these schools present to the lives of children and staff, the balding twat said “Obviously the current government can’t be held to account for what happened under the Cameron, May, Johnson and Truss governments and we have to move on, but what I will say is they worked hard to enable Britain to exit the EU and enjoy all the benefits that brought.”

We asked when he anticipated the closed schools would be able to reopen but were told it’s impossible for him to say, because an election will be happening at some time and if the voters are fickle enough to vote for a different government, the matter would be out of their hands and in any case, it depends on how long it would take to import the materials required for the repairs to be carried out.

Image:Pixabay/WOKANDAPIX

Nadine by-election to produce two MPs to cover her workload

A sobbing Prime Minister has announced that the Mid Bedfordshire by election will produce two seats ‘so that Nadine’s exceptional work can continue’.

‘Stop all the clocks’, he told reporters. ‘Cut off the telephone. Basically, that poem from Four Weddings and a Funeral. We’ve looked at Nadine’s extraordinary output in recent years and there’s no way that one MP could cover it’.

Nadine Dorries’ nickname was“110%“, a reference to her tireless parliamentary work, her relentless pursuit of constituency matters, her laser-focus on the detail of every brief she was given and her legendary sobriety.

Dorries was loved – worshipped, even – by parliamentarians from all sides. ‘She was one of us’, a Labour spokesman said. ‘Working class through and through’. ‘Gawd bless ‘er’ said a random Cockney we found in a pub. ‘I’ll never forget her gagging on kangaroo penis when she should have been in Westminster. What a gal’.

Tributes continue to pour in for the sober, intelligent, hard-working MP who took 11 weeks to clear her desk, so determined was she to leave behind a strong legacy and to benefit from changes to departure payments. We may never see her like again. Nadine, Queen of the Commons, we salute you.

Image: Pixabay/mounsey

Huge potential boost in toy sales as Acton Man joins Stevenage Woman in desire to see Tories out

Palitoy shareholders are anticipating a significant sales boost for their Action Man toy after Acton Man met with Stevenage Woman at a dogging site north of Potters Bar and agreed to work together to see the Conservative party out of power.

Such is the excitement at the potential sales growth, that Palitoy will be launching Stevenage Woman as a plug and play accessory toy to their Action Man range in a similar way that Ken became a Barbie accessory toy.

It is hoped that Stevenage Woman will be in the shops in time for Christmas provided that Palitoy is able to come to a compromise with their lesbian and trans workers over how the toys are to me marketed. The Palitoy sales team think this may be possible if the toys are sold as a multipack with two Stevenage Women, a trans Action Man and a BBC Action Man, although they are are anxious to ensure this one doesn't look at all like Philip Schofield.

Newsbiscuit approached the Mary Whitehouse Foundation for their view on the mulipack and were told it completely approves of the concept of having male dolls to accompany female dolls as it supports their family values ideology, but they hoped the toys would come with a warning that children should avoid having the couple with the BBC male figure live next door to the white couple.

A spokesdominatrix for ITV told us it would be a brilliant way for children hoping for a career in advertising or writing crap sitcoms, to have Stevenage Woman and BBC couple as toys to imagine scenarios for an updated remake of Love Thy Neighbour and coffee commercials in which the couple from next door knock to ask if their neighbours can spare a spoonful or two of coffee as well as being up for a bit of lesbian and cuckold fun.

image from pixabay