Mystery of half-billion year old creature with no anus solved

Scientists now understand how a tiny creature from long ago evolved to doing away with an anus.

Professor Magnus Trout from the Isle of Wight Institute of Natural Sciences explains:-

“During the course of the development of life on Earth, nature tries all types of combinations – including those that end up in evolutionary dead ends – if you’ll pardon the pun. So for every creature such as this, there will be other mutations that will continue if they are successful.

We know, for example, that there is a creature that is diametrically opposite to this one. It is all anus – ‘Totalus Arseholeus’. It can be found in all areas of the Conservative Party but particularly prime examples can be found in government. It specialises in excreting over anyone and everyone.

This creature is a distinct risk to the survival of the human race, with priority given to private sector shareholder profits, as opposed to realistically tackling global warming.

There is a faint hope for the future of the rest of mankind. The withdrawal of its usual nourishment – corrupt Covid contracts and Russian oligarch donations – may mean that it eventually becomes extinct

Image: PublicDomainPictures | Pixabay

Authority warns Tory leadership that bar has been set so low, it is now an H&S issue

Following a series of politicians being rushed to hospital with broken bones, the Health and Safety Executive has been called in to investigate the Tory Leadership contest between Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak.

Their conclusion has been that a dangerously low bar that MPs have been tripping over is to blame and have urged government to erect barriers around it and install warning signs.

Tha hazard is expected to remain until September 5th, and sadly likely to continue indefinitely after that too.

Image: Pixabay/ Mary_R_Smith

Senior Leadership Teams express their dismay at Tory Leader candidates debate

mid-managers from a variety of institutions have expressed their disappointment with the Tory leadership debates so far. A spokesbeing from FuckwitsЯus, the union of senior managers told Newsbiscuit told us that his members had been hoping to see an original angle in the route up the greasy pole, but so far it's just been the same boring tearing each other to bits stuff that senior management colleagues do on a daily basis.

"The dirty tricks have been mediocre to say the least", he said. "My members were hoping to see a bit of originality, such as someone coming up with an absurd impractical idea they could use themselves when the top job in their sphere of inexpertise comes up for grabs, but it's been same old, same old so far. In fact it was so dull, I changed channels half way through to watch the final stages of the golf Open for something more exciting.

For me, it isn't just about the candidates, it's about the teams behind them, which can tell you a lot about the candidates. For example the one that organised the photo of Penny Mourdant wearing fake medals might have least have been professional enough to have photoshopped them in the right way round. We'll never be able to get an utter twat we can relate to into No.10 with such sloppy practice as that.

Westminster Palace Building Night - Free photo on Pixabay