Scientists now understand how a tiny creature from long ago evolved to doing away with an anus.
Professor Magnus Trout from the Isle of Wight Institute of Natural Sciences explains:-
“During the course of the development of life on Earth, nature tries all types of combinations – including those that end up in evolutionary dead ends – if you’ll pardon the pun. So for every creature such as this, there will be other mutations that will continue if they are successful.
We know, for example, that there is a creature that is diametrically opposite to this one. It is all anus – ‘Totalus Arseholeus’. It can be found in all areas of the Conservative Party but particularly prime examples can be found in government. It specialises in excreting over anyone and everyone.
This creature is a distinct risk to the survival of the human race, with priority given to private sector shareholder profits, as opposed to realistically tackling global warming.
There is a faint hope for the future of the rest of mankind. The withdrawal of its usual nourishment – corrupt Covid contracts and Russian oligarch donations – may mean that it eventually becomes extinct