Senior Tories discuss the elephant in the room

Johnson denies government held illegal raves during first lockdown

After news that the Tory party had a secret lockdown Christmas party last year, new allegations have surfaced that they spent the summer of 2020 organising illegal raves across the Oxfordshire countryside.

Leaked emails show that prominent members of the Conservative Party met up at Oxford Welcome Break Services on the M40 and drove to a big field where a performance stage and a huge marquee were set up. A convoy of chauffeur driven Bentleys, Rolls Royces and Mercedes drove around the countryside waiting for directions to be texted from the organisers, whilst the same time, avoiding the Feds.

An insider told us, 'Herbal teas, canapés, caviar and a selection of illegal drugs were consumed as leading Tories held a Summer of Gove, sorry Love, writhing naked to the banging sounds of DJ Duncan Smith.'

A spokesman for Jacob Rees Mogg told Newsbiscuit, "These allegations are totally unfounded. Jacob has never danced half naked with his tie tied around his head, strumming a guitar on the bonnet of his Siver Wraith."

The Metropolitan Police will not be investigating, as it happened in the past, but they have completed a minority report.

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Devil to claim souls of leading Tories at Halloween

With the spectre of Halloween looming, rumours are swirling that several leading Conservatives have appointments with a Mr Mephistopheles, a representative of Tory donors B L Zeebub Inc. The deals those Tories are said to have struck to secure their earthly successes will expire at midnight and their souls will be deemed oven-ready, i.e. taken to the fiery pits of hell for eternal burning. Those affected Tories have appeared more visibly nervous and twitchy than when avoiding a question about Brexit and empty shelves.

‘Who said empty souls?’ panicked a Tory grandee, flinging holy water in all directions.

A spokesdemon said: ‘Just imagine how horrific Matt Hancock’s career would have been without our evil assistance. Obviously the general population have had a terrible time as a result, but the Dark Lord considers that a collateral benefit.’

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst commented, ‘Cabinet was a little feisty, I’ve never seen so many hastily drawn pentagrams, although the volume of unholy shrieking was pretty standard. Priti Patel said that since Mephistopheles “sounds a bit Greek maybe?” he could be deported.

Boris intends to hide, disguising himself as a vagrant, drinking heavily and muttering in Latin at street pigeons. Liz Truss thought it was Mr Mistoffelees from Cats, then claimed she’d signed a trade deal with Hades. Rishi will probably flee to whichever Cayman Island he owns. Sajid Javid admitted he’d misjudged the mood by arriving dressed as a sexy nurse. Boris seemed into it though.’

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