Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet

Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.

'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'

YouTuber accused of intentionally crashing plane headhunted for senior Government role

The Government has responded to claims that they've scouting someone for a ministerial post who intentionally crashed a plane.

'Yes, we were a little worried that he might have done it intentionally,' said a Government spokesperson, 'but as the old adage goes: think incompetence before malice, but never rule out malice...and we've adopted that as our recruitment strategy.

'If he'd crashed the plane by mistake and made oodles of money for himself after parachuting down unharmed, we'd definitely be tapping him up for a Cabinet position. If it was intentional, well, he'll still fit right in at the heart of UK Government.

'The only problem is deciding what department to put him in: the economy, the NHS, education...his talents suit all of them but where would he be perfect? Oh wait, I know...Brexit!'

Hardest working thing in the Tory Cabinet is Thérèse Coffey's cigar lighter

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