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Boris demonstrates how to make a government entirely from leftovers



Embracing the 'womble' tag that has often been used to describe his appearance, UK Prime-Minister-for-now Boris Johnson has assembled anv entire government from the politicians that "ordinary folks left behind".


Last seen rummaging in a Westminster skip looking for an Education Secretary, Johnson promised to cut political waste with his Real Junk Minister project.


Representatives of the UK's food waste charities have sought to distance themselves from the PM's initiative, saying: " We take food that supermarkets would throw away to make tasty and healthy meals that area affordable for all. Whereas this bunch of chancers just makes the public sick."


However, today's No. 10 spokesperson reassured reporters that these ministers were not for human consumption, but were simply destined to be Big Dog food.

Boris whistled in admiration at "I watched porn by accident" claim




The Prime Minister has applauded Neil Parish for saying he'd "been watching porn by accident".


"Come on now", said Mr Johnson, "The balls of the man - even I wouldn't have the nerve to claim that; I'd have made up some story about picking up someone else's phone by mistake or doing spot checks on whether the House of Commons wifi blocks adult sites. But to say that he 'accidentally' typed 'big boob bonkers' into Google then spent 10 minutes staring at the resulting video takes real cajonies."


Mr Parish has been tipped for a new cabinet post of "Minister for Alternative Reality"

Rees-Mogg announces the publication of a new weekly pamphlet in support of Johnson


It was announced this evening that Jacob Rees-Mogg intends to personally write, publish, print and distribute a new weekly pamphlet in praise of the beleaguered PM. This is understood to be in direct response to what he sees as the unfair witch-hunt against Mr Johnson in the media.


A spokesman for the sepulchral oddity and MP for North East Somerset said: ‘Mr Rees-Mogg has acquired a small printing press and will be producing a most splendid and brightly optimistic communiqué offering Mr Johnson his fulsome and most loyal support. Jacob believes Boris is doing a wonderful job in tackling the pandemic despite never being seen in public other than for photo opportunities. He intends for the pamphlet to set the record straight.


'He will print at least forty copies of the communication, entitled Our Glorious Leader, and he will then personally place one in each of the coaching inns and wayside taverns so prevalent around the environs of the Palace of Westminster.’


When pressed as to whether it might perhaps be more effective and quicker to harness today's plethora of digital technology and media marketing platforms the spokesman replied. 'Mr Rees-Mogg has no time for newfangled gimmicks such as magic lantern apparatus, eleck-tricity and so forth. These he sees as pure evil and the instruments of Satan. Rather, he prefers to do things in a tried and trusted manner.’




















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