Half a mannequin, two ducks, and a peg: 190 candidates short, Tory vetting gets desperate

Announcing a General Election, you'd think a government might have planned to have enough Generals in place. Not this one. With just a couple of weeks until the application deadline, the Conservatives are 190 candidates short in constituencies all over the UK.

In a last minute mad panic, vetting of candidates has slipped to a new low. One seat in Surrey Heath will literally be challenged by a seat. And not even a good one like a Recaro, just a rusty-legged, wonky, battered, old plastic village hall seat. With distasteful staining on it so grim, not even a mangy pigeon with diarrhoea would perch on it.

Another candidate in the Home Counties will be a clothes peg, and a broken compass with a constant spinning needle will be the Conservative choice in South Northamptonshire.

Not just one, but two ducks will challenge a flock of 100 feral chickens currently running the Norfolk village of Snettisham. And some dangerous air turbulence has been put forward as a candidate in the West Midlands. The main thinking being that at least it is grabbing some news headlines at the moment and voters might have heard of it.

One London borough will have the choice of half a contorted mannequin as their Tory MP. Intrigued, some voters are asking 'which half?'

And a bag of hangers will contest the Hartlepool election, but is still expected to win, given local appetite for bringing back the death penalty.

In perhaps the worst case of candidate vetting, residents in Somerset will be presented with the option of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Alice's Adventures in National Service

'You look fed up with electioneering already,' the Wet Nit said in an anxious tone: 'let me tell you a policy to inspire you.'

'Is it very long?' Alice asked, for she had heard a good deal of campaigning that day.

'It's long,' said the Nit, 'but very, very important. Everybody that hears me proclaim it—either it brings the tears of laughter into their eyes, or else—'

'Or else what?' said Alice, for the Nit had made a sudden pause.

'Or else it doesn't, you know. The name of the policy is called 'National Service'.'

'Oh, that's the name of the policy, is it?' Alice said, trying to feel interested.

'No, you don't understand,' the Wet Nit said, looking a little vexed. 'That's what the name is called. The name really is 'Modern Culture'.'

'Then I ought to have said 'That's what the policy is called'?' Alice corrected herself.

'No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The policy is called 'Community Service': but that's only what it's called, you know!'

'Well, what is the policy, then?' said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered.

'I was coming to that,' the Wet Nit said. 'The policy really is 'Anything To Grab A Headline': and I'm making it up as I go along.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Tories admit National Service proposal was 3rd choice

A Conservative party spokesperson has ‘fessed up that the idea of reintroducing National Service was in fact the 3rd in line for ‘harnessing the passion and skills of the younger generation’.

'Yes we did have even more exciting proposals! The first was to send 18 year olds down the coal mines. They would have been known as Rishi Boys (and Girls). After prolonged discussion to iron out the details, it was eventually realised that all coal mines in the UK have been closed – nothing of course to do with us.

'The next idea was to expand the entrepreneurial chimney-sweeping industry by reducing the capital and depreciation costs of chimney brushes – by sending 18 years old up the chimney. It obviously didn’t do Bert the Sweep any harm – apart from mangling his cockney accent. Alas it was pointed out that the current generation of adolescents are too fat to get up chimneys – we blame Starmer – and anyway most houses built in the last 50 years don’t have chimneys.

'We still have an ace up our sleeves. We are planning to construct giant treadmills across the country that will be linked up to the National Grid. These will be powered by 18 year olds. This will have the obvious benefits of their losing weight (see above) as well as preparing them for future employment – i.e. working hard and getting absolutely nowhere.'

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay