Conservatives to offer internships as Prime Minister

'We got the idea from "Have I Got News For You?" ' said a spokesman. 'When Angus Deayton had to leave because of the, erm, cocaine allegations, they brought in guest presenters. We’ve been doing the same with our Prime Ministers.'

The Conservative Party’s plan is to allow the children of wealthy donors to each do a week as "Intern PM" .

'Oh, they’d run the country, much as Liz is doing now,' said the spokesman. 'It will look good on their CVs and the chances are the pound might rally a bit.'

Keir Starmer described the idea as ‘interesting’ and asked if there would be an age limit.

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Michael Fish appointed to produce Office for Budget Responsibility forecast

The government has appointed legendary weatherman Michael Fish to complete the forthcoming Office for Budget Responsibility financial forecast, it has been announced.

‘Michael is of course well-known for his highly credible forecasting abilities,’ said Patent Pending, a special advisor within the Cabinet Office. ‘Over decades, he forged a reputation for calming nerves and providing common-sense reassurance when people overreact or panic.

‘Fish is precisely the voice of sanity we all need to hear to demonstrate that actually there is no crisis, and that the country isn’t being run by a bunch of total buffoons,' continued Pending.

‘He has said he will produce his report on 13th October’,' said Pending. ‘Coincidentally, this will be 35 years to the day since he reported on an imminent weather incident that I think saw some moderate winds hit the UK, and maybe a few trees fell down.’

However, the government may be disappointed with the outcome. A leak of the executive summary of the OBR report is said to reveal Fish saying: ‘Apparently, everyone in the country has rung the BBC to say that the Tory government is a total shitshow. Well if you’re watching…I can confirm that it’s absolutely true’.

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Splinter Group "Just Stop Growth" threatens Truss with direct action protests

Hardcore splinter group "Just Stop Growth" has threatened the Conservative Government over its pro-growth strategy.

The group, an extremist offshoot of the Anti Growth Coalition that was pilloried by the Prime Minister during her speech has a shadowy membership. Made up of a few raving lefties - it includes the likes of Corbyn, Ed Milliband and Theresa May - they are now attracting a whole new breed of protestor with rumours that Rishi, Michael Gove and even Priti Patel are on board.

'We're going in direct, physical and determined,' commented an anonymous member, meeting our reporter at a clandestine pheasant-shooting weekender in Surrey. 'You're talking continual banging of desks - potentially hours - at the 1922 committee. Abstaining from the subsidized commons bars. There's going to be a really clear message, we just aren't sure what it is yet.'

Asked about the potential collaboration with the even more extreme "Shrink Britain" affiliate, who model themselves on the equally pointless Insulate Britain but with a focus on either the economy or shrink-wrap, (they haven't decided yet), the response was luke warm. 'We're going to have a debate on it, then a couple of votes. Something might come out of it, but I think we need to travel around a bit - perhaps the Bahamas - to really feel and understand this whole shrinkflation idea.'

One thing was clear though - whatever the action plan, if it meant sitting on the M25 in the cold with only sandwiches and a flask of coffee, this was outside their remit - 'While we are in on the principle, you have to draw the line somewhere. We'll leave that side of it to the poor people, said the spokesman, before getting a refill of the Chateau la fete 1945.

Story: RichT

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