Companies are showing increasing interest in using brain-monitoring technology (‘neurotech’) to keep track of what their workers are up to.
Trials at a French-owned TotalPrix discount store have already proved the value of the technology, by electrocuting and grassing up staff,
Retail assistants on minimum wage wore a special beanie hat that monitored their brain waves. While the staff were stacking shelves, talking to customers or working at the checkout, there was no discernible brain activity. However, brain activity ‘lit up’ when staff nipped outside for a vape or a quick shag, when they played on-line gambling games, and when they were nicking stuff.
The store manager was impressed. He said that the store didn’t hire people to think and that the neurotech gizmos clearly showed that when staff are thinking, they are up to no good.
The staff, however, proved resourceful in undermining management’s attempts to watch their every move. One staff member sold his £60,000 neuro-beanie to a customer for a pound (everything’s a pound) and another dodged the surveillance by putting the hat on his dog. This staff member was subsequently fired, as the dog had, apparently, been thinking bad things.
Future iterations of the technology may be able to deliver larger, more painful electric shocks if independent thought is detected and fatal ones if staff members appear to be unionising.
First published 9 Jun 2023
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Santa is tightening his belt after checking his pay slip, twice, and finding his salary has not risen. His per hour rate is the same as last Christmas, a mince pie and a glass of whisky.
Elves, on the other hand, but have seen a slight bump in average pay compared to last year with twice much being provided in the four main food groups, candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup .
A spokesdeer for the Union of Santa's Distributor and Reindeer (USDAR), Red Rudolf, admitted piles oats are spread in the gardens to attract and reward them, but these has been (literally) frozen for years.
He added, "We are expected to fly o'er the housetops with a, very difficult to manoeuvre, sleigh full of toys. I myself have the added responsibility of guiding the team, even on a foggy Christmas Eve. As the leader of the team, and elected representative of the transport workers, Santa's response is to just whistle and shout at me. All the other reindeer laugh and call me names. I am asking for a little more recognition and commensurate compensation for our hard work, a little less stick, and a bit more carrot!"
image from pixabay