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TfL introduce new draconian advertising policy



Fresh from pulling an advert featuring a cake that could be seen to promote "unhealthy" foods, TfL has announced that a new puritanical policy will be applied to the posters featured on trains, buses and stations within the system.


Gone are images of foreign travel and windswept beaches, sunny uplands and rural idylls : any image that can detract from this most perfect of all worlds and lead to flights of fanciful thoughts of freedom - and loss of productivity.


Gone are images of barely clothed models and sun-tanned torsos, and with it the distraction of engorgements and flushings that can befuddle the mind and lead to strange and unprofitable thoughts and actions.


Gone are the posters describing 'entertainments' and 'dalliances' that offer some short-lived respite from the mind-numbing tedium of underclass existence, which should always be directed at improving the lot of our lords, masters and betters.


With this new policy, TfL will ensure that any journey on their network - however short - should be a grim, dour , drudge of an experience, designed to stamp out any spark of joy and shred any tattered remnants of humanity .


TfL denied this was a change in operations, just a formalisation.



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First published 13 Jul 2023


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Government advises potential rail suicides to make alternative arrangements




People driven to despair by the cost-of-living crisis are being advised to find ways of topping themselves that don’t involve a high-speed locomotive.


With trains stuck in depots and platforms silent, Britain’s potential suicides could face a long and weary wait in sweltering temperatures before cashing in their chips in front of the 6.57 service from Waterloo to Portsmouth Harbour, ministers have warned.


Meanwhile, gas ovens, high bridges, and faulty electrical work are all being touted by officials as more reliable means of leaving your worries behind and moving on to a higher plane of existence.


A spokesman from the Department for Transport, allegedly being run by someone using the name Grant Shapps, said, 'The British are innovative people. We have absolute trust in the mortally depressed to do the right thing after writing a considerate note to their nearest and dearest about why they couldn’t carry on.


'The traditional method seems to be pills, but my sources inform me the motorways are open as usual and, if anything, they’re actually busier than normal.


'How does rush hour Friday sound?'


'This isn’t a cry for help because I know I won’t get any,' insisted suicide contender, Frank Jeffers. 'I’m just hoping for a better world, one in which I’m reunited with the relatives I’ve lost to this government’s incompetence and where my gas bills are taken care of by a benign being of light.'


He added, 'Like Mick Lynch in a long flowing robe.'



First published 28 Jun 2022


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Train manager entering 7th hour of continuous talking



Passengers on the West Coast line between London and Glasgow have been treated by psychologists after being subjected to an ‘endless barrage of trivia’ from train manager Darren Jones, 32. Their ordeal started when Mr Jones was innocently handed a microphone. NewsBiscuit sent a reporter on the service, but he had to be stretchered off at Oxenholme Lake District station after self-harming. Here is some of the disturbing content he recorded:


‘. . . sandwiches, hot drinks and assorted comestibles. Please note that Coach A is designated a quiet coach. Please refrain from taking phone calls or making loud rustling sounds...’ (trivia continues for several hours).


Mr Jones declined his rest break and continued talking until the service turned around for the return journey. It is understood that he hopes to be ‘discovered’ by a radio station, possibly Radio 2, where he can continue waffling into a microphone instead of playing music.


We asked Avanti for comment, but they were too busy counting their money.



Image credit: Imgsearch.com

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