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TfL introduce new draconian advertising policy



Fresh from pulling an advert featuring a cake that could be seen to promote "unhealthy" foods, TfL has announced that a new puritanical policy will be applied to the posters featured on trains, buses and stations within the system.


Gone are images of foreign travel and windswept beaches, sunny uplands and rural idylls : any image that can detract from this most perfect of all worlds and lead to flights of fanciful thoughts of freedom - and loss of productivity.


Gone are images of barely clothed models and sun-tanned torsos, and with it the distraction of engorgements and flushings that can befuddle the mind and lead to strange and unprofitable thoughts and actions.


Gone are the posters describing 'entertainments' and 'dalliances' that offer some short-lived respite from the mind-numbing tedium of underclass existence, which should always be directed at improving the lot of our lords, masters and betters.


With this new policy, TfL will ensure that any journey on their network - however short - should be a grim, dour , drudge of an experience, designed to stamp out any spark of joy and shred any tattered remnants of humanity .


TfL denied this was a change in operations, just a formalisation.




Pasty bought in train station still too hot to eat, confirms man


A Cornish pasty bought in the train station is still too bloody hot to eat, a man has confirmed.


The news comes numerous failed attempts by Mike McBride to take an initial bite out of his lunchtime purchase of a large traditional pasty at Retford train station to enjoy on his train journey home.


‘It’s like biting into a portion of pastry-covered molten lava, even 2 hours after purchase’, said McBride, struggling to get his words out due to the extensive blistering on his lips and the roof of his mouth’.



‘I thought I’d made some inroads into it with a tentative bite as our train approached Peterborough' admitted McBride. 'But the lukewarm pastry on the outside belied the still-300 degree celsius temperature of the meat filling.' 


‘We’re proud to serve our pasties at a temperature approaching that on the surface of the sun’, said Dave Jones, CEO of the Really Really Traditional Pasty Company.


‘Mr McBride should be able to enjoy his tasty cornish pasty sometime in the middle of next year’, continued Jones. ‘Alternatively, he could accelerate the cooling process by purchasing some of our potato wedges and placing his pasty next to these. They’re always absolutely stone cold’.



TransPennine Express defend fluid timetables and non-binary concepts about arrival


Due to the train service providers total lack of respect for customers and the concept of time, people have been complaining even more than usual about the train franchise.


In an attempted distraction from its' nationalisation this weekend, the company has declared these criticisms as Anti-Trans and asked for the Police to intervene.



A Pro-TransPennine Rights spokesperson said, “Just because we have fluid timetables and non-binary concepts on whether trains arrive or not means we are subject to daily harassment. The Police need to do their jobs properly even though we have no intention of doing ours.”



The Police have stated, “We need to tread very carefully with any sort of Anti Trans movement be it against gender definitions or a transport system across a range of uplands in Northern England.


"No-platforming Anti-Trans movements is an option we have but to be fair with hundreds of cancelled trains every week, Trans-Pennine Express have been using this strategy themselves with some success".



As protesting commuters patiently filled out online complaint forms and sighed, the beleaguered Trans-Pennine CEO screamed “Bigots!” and asked the Police to water cannon them.


Hat-tips:Titus and SteveB



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