TransPennine Express defend fluid timetables and non-binary concepts about arrival

Due to the train service providers total lack of respect for customers and the concept of time, people have been complaining even more than usual about the train franchise.

In an attempted distraction from its' nationalisation this weekend, the company has declared these criticisms as Anti-Trans and asked for the Police to intervene.

A Pro-TransPennine Rights spokesperson said, “Just because we have fluid timetables and non-binary concepts on whether trains arrive or not means we are subject to daily harassment. The Police need to do their jobs properly even though we have no intention of doing ours.”

The Police have stated, “We need to tread very carefully with any sort of Anti Trans movement be it against gender definitions or a transport system across a range of uplands in Northern England.

"No-platforming Anti-Trans movements is an option we have but to be fair with hundreds of cancelled trains every week, Trans-Pennine Express have been using this strategy themselves with some success".

As protesting commuters patiently filled out online complaint forms and sighed, the beleaguered Trans-Pennine CEO screamed “Bigots!” and asked the Police to water cannon them.

Hat-tips:Titus and SteveB

Image:Pixabay/Victoriaf

‘No trainers’ rule at polling stations

Citizens hoping to vote at next month’s local elections have been told to “bring photo ID and dress smartly” or risk being turned away.

‘Voting is a solemn civic duty’, a spokesman said. ‘We can’t have riff raff turning up in ripped jeans or trainers. This is a classy country, we don’t want that sort’.

Voter fraud is a massive problem, causing as many as 0.0000001% of votes to be incorrectly cast. The problem has been identified as postal votes, so voters are being advised not to wear trainers when they walk to the postbox and to take a photo of themselves posting the vote, just in case.

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak (yes, really) has been criticised by members of his party for “wasting” the move at the local elections, when it would have more effect at next year’s General Election. ‘Just like Rishi to go off prematurely’, one MP told us. ‘Or so I’ve heard. Boris would have done gerrymandering properly’.

Despite the government’s best efforts, the local elections are likely to be a bloodbath for Conservative councils. Also, despite the government’s best efforts, the pound will continue sinking, inflation will go up, rents will be unaffordable, rivers of shit will flow (apologies to E Powell), children will drown in the Channel, people will die waiting for an ambulance and the world will gaze on, agog, wondering whether the Conservative Party will select “Ozymandias” as its poem of the year.

Brexit saves Britain from Europe murder train

In the first significant benefit of leaving the European Union, our brave Brexiteers have ensured that the evil Orient Express will no longer abuse our glorious rail network.

The train of death, a bane on our otherwise perfect crime statistics, is a pit of elitist depravity and is full of philanderers, murderers and even Belgians.

Brexit has put a stop to this and it is in no way the company's decision because of extra bureaucracy. Nope, not that at all.

A Brexit spokesperson was quoted saying, 'Good riddance. Now to stop the direct train to Euro Disney. What? They are already going to do that?'

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