Modern rhyming slang

Who doesn’t love a bit of rhyming slang? We love it because it is very British wordplay, it’s how ordinary people talk, not the toffs, and it reminds us of East Enders. Duff, duff, duff…

Well, language is constantly changing, so we asked our intrepid step-daughters (reporters) to suggest some updated rhyming slang. Here’s what they came up with:

Celebs

Oily garage (‘oily’) – Nigel Farage

Oily sump (‘oily’) – Donald Trump

Oily body (‘oily’) – Narendra Modi

Lettuce – Liz Truss (obviously…)

Jeffery Epstein – unclean

Liz Truss – fuss

JD Vance - interpretive dance (eg. ‘Could you explain that using the medium of JD Vance?’)

Nigel Farage – bullshit barage

(Kemi) Badenoch - crock (probably not filled with gold)

Malaise

Robert Jenrick - sick, or taking the mick

Liz Truss – cystitis

Wallace and Gromit - vomit (eg. ‘Look out, don't step in the Wallace’)

Harry Styles - piles

Farmer Giles - piles

Nobby Stiles - piles

Brandreth, Giles – piles. See also Emma Freud.

Train delays

Frisky colt – train fault (eg. ‘Sorry I'm an hour late for work, Northern Rail frisky, innit?:’

Deep sea diver - got no driver

Oak and pine - leaves on the line

Peter Purves - no trolley service

Croydon and Purley - went home early

Stupid Berks - over-running engineering works

Miscellaneous

Snapchat - prat

Underperform - Reform 

Mar-a-lago - farago (eg. ‘It were a right mar’)

With contributions from deskpilot, FlashArry, Lockjaw, Walter Eagle, Sirlupus, Sinnick, and Beau-jolly. Well done, team!

Image credit (if any is deserved): perchance.org edited in Wix

Train manager entering 7th hour of continuous talking

Passengers on the West Coast line between London and Glasgow have been treated by psychologists after being subjected to an ‘endless barrage of trivia’ from train manager Darren Jones, 32. Their ordeal started when Mr Jones was innocently handed a microphone. NewsBiscuit sent a reporter on the service, but he had to be stretchered off at Oxenholme Lake District station after self-harming. Here is some of the disturbing content he recorded:

‘. . . sandwiches, hot drinks and assorted comestibles. Please note that Coach A is designated a quiet coach. Please refrain from taking phone calls or making loud rustling sounds...’ (trivia continues for several hours).

Mr Jones declined his rest break and continued talking until the service turned around for the return journey. It is understood that he hopes to be ‘discovered’ by a radio station, possibly Radio 2, where he can continue waffling into a microphone instead of playing music.

We asked Avanti for comment, but they were too busy counting their money.

Image credit: Imgsearch.com

Crosscountry trains will be running on Saturday ... sort of