'Carriages at Midnight' means 'order your own Uber', bride and groom confirm

The phrase 'carriages at midnight' on the bottom of a wedding invitation does actually mean you should order your own cab at the end of the evening's festivities, it has been confirmed.

The news ends intense speculation from recipients of wedding invites everywhere that they might be welcomed by a fleet of lavish, 19th century horse-drawn transportation with gold-leaf trimmings, welcomed by an army of fawning footmen, at the end of the wedding reception at a provincial hotel, to take them back to their Premier Inn lodgings in the nearest town centre. 

'Yeh, sorry about that, no Cinderella-style carriages, but you can use the phone in the Mercure reception area, which connects you directly to Arrow cabs, who are both reliable, and very competitively priced', said Mark McBride, one groom-to-be, in response to numerous queries.  'Maybe we should have put that instead on the invitation, to be fair'. 

'And while you're here, 'Dress Code: Fully Fabulous' means wear a dress, or a suit and tie, no wacky shite, please', continued McBride. 'And I hope 'the bar is open but your wallet is too' is clear enough for everyone to decipher.'. 

'Oh, and for the avoidance of doubt, 'Your presence is our present, however if you would like to follow tradition...' does actually means 'definitely buy us an expensive gift, or even better a cash transfer into our bank (account details below)' confirmed McBride.  'Do you know how much this bloody wedding is setting us back!'. 

Get ready to ride on Gordon Bennett Railways!

Dear happy commuters and supersaver ticket holders,

We in the Labour government are thrilled to unveil the exciting new name for Britain's renationalised train company. We'll be calling it Gordon Bennett Railways, because this mild expletive is what you're most likely to be muttering while on board, as in:

'Gordon Bennett, this train's fuller than a can of sardines.'

'Gordon Bennett, we've been waiting in this cutting outside Crewe for a sodding age.'

And: 'Gordon Bennett, the points have failed at Clapham Junction, and I'm going to be 20 minutes late for work again.'

We could have spent some taxpayers' money sorting out the problems at Crewe and Clapham Junction, but we blew it all on hiring an overpriced branding agency to come up with a new livery design for the locomotives.

They'll now be a lurid mess of red, white, blue and hi-viz yellow - flecked with dead leaves, graffiti and rust - which will have you exclaiming on the platform: 'Gordon Bennett, what a sodding eyesore.'

All aboard! Or, all a-bored! Which you will be, after waiting three hours for a train at Carlisle.

Image credit: stablediffusion.com

Rail services on the island of Sodor nationalised

After the government nationalised c2c railways last week, the next operator on the list is the North Western Railway, which runs all the rail services on the island of Sodor. It will also become part of Great British Railways, set up by the government to oversee the rail system in England, Wales and Scotland.

Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander said passengers had been suffering under-investment and waste, because the rail operator for Sodor had not been living in the real world.

The Minister said public ownership would tackle ‘deep-rooted problems’ experienced on the railway. Recent incidents have included trains stuck in tunnels, trains simply refusing to move, and various other bizarre incidents. Customer service has suffered because the rail company only has one replacement bus, called Bertie. She noted that the safety record of the Sodor railways are ‘very alarming’ and ‘a national embarrassment’. In addition, the remuneration of the Fat Controller was quite obviously far too high. 

Nationalisation will put the railway on track for modernisation, with a new high-speed line, complete with bat tunnels, and due for completion by 2045, subject to funding. There will also be new rolling-stock, to replace the current fleet of steam-driven locomotives, many of which have faces painted on them. The Minister refused to be drawn on the likely costs.

Shadow rail minister Colin FitzJohnson said that the idea that savings could be made by nationalising the railways on Sodor were ‘a complete fiction’.

Picture credit: NightCafe studio AI