Man happily surprised to find out all fast track places sold at airport

Martin Bosworth's annual stress-inducing trip to the Algarve, accompanied by his wife and at least three children he recognises, was expecting the stress to be off the scale this morning when he turned up at the airport, realising he hadn't remembered to book a fast-track place in the security queue.

'I'd been advised to book in advance for a fiver, then the one and a half hour wait should have been cut to five minutes, tops,' he said to reporters today. 'When we walked in we immediately took our place behind the half mile long snake of a queue, but were approached by an official who wanted to see our fast track booking reference. When I explained I hadn't booked fast track he forced us to leave the queue and stand in the non-fast track alongside, comprising of three people. Through in minutes,' he said beaming.

'Now all I need to do is arrange to have my baggage lost, trampled by a tractor and sent to the wrong continent. Then - I can relax,' he said.

No way to predict passenger numbers say airlines who sold tickets

A spokesman for the airline industry lit a cigar with a £50 note before stubbing it out in the eye of a small child whose summer holiday will now comprise a taxi ride to and from Manchester Airport.

'We cancel families summer holidays at the last moment, then hide and watch as the police inexplicably do our job for us. We knew our staff and plane numbers, so we could have declined the booking – but we didn’t.’

'We've got a few empty planes going to Kigali, or Dover South as the budget airlines are calling it. It's peachy there this time of year unless you criticise their government. If you do, let's just say that airport security are going to 'randomly' search your orifices with something blunt and rusty. Very thoroughly. To death.’

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