UK experiences "anomaly" in the economy.

Observers say that they are "disappointed" after the UK economy nosed-dived after the much anticipated relaunch failed to gain enough height.

The pilot, Captain Sunak, made a safe take off of the PM 3 Dumbo. He then released the Hunt engineered Econ-bomb vehicle. All was thought to be going well. However, failure followed as the second stage failed. Pundits believe that the "anomaly" was caused by a lack of maths skills coupled with the failure of the 5-point booster which failed to move the craft into the anticipated orbit.

It has emerged that the take off nearly didn't take place at all as they had invited a Mr Kwarteng to make the countdown:

10, 9, 3, 6, 5, 2, 8, 1 Zero.

Tories admit 'mango sorbet' is a business euphemism

Business leaders have been highly critical of a three thousand pound a head business lunch at the Conservative Party conference which failed to deliver, amongst other things, any useful Conservative MPs, despite Kwasi Kwarteng speaking to every table.

Most of the complaints, though, were that James Cleverly closed the business dinner down 'before the mango sorbet was served', according to insiders today. A Conservative spokesman was initially nonplussed at the allegation - 'it's a pudding, we're here to deliver growth, growth, growth, not puddings,' he is said to have spluttered, before realisation dawned on him. 'Mango sorbet - government contracts without competition. Now I get it,' he said tapping his nose.

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Truss announces legalization of drugs "for higher earners"

Prime minister Liz Truss has announced that the full spectrum of recreational drugs will be legalized for anyone earning over 100,000 pounds a year.

The announcement, made at a late night social gathering of party members and key fundraisers, gained rapturous applause with current rebel-leader-in-chief Michael Gove described as applauding almost "manically" while waving around two glowsticks.

Under further questioning today on the policy, when asked what legalizing cocaine would do to help Britain's economy Liz Truss pointed out that the average family would only pay 2500 pounds for a gas bill. When pressed on how this would actually help the poorer classes she pointed out that if the poor wanted drugs all they had to do was go to prison, where they would be bound to find some for sale.

Kwasi Kwarteng emphasized the importance of the policy by pointing out that if rich people bought so many drugs they just couldn't take them all, then they might give a couple of lines to someone in the street, so the poor would benefit in the medium term.

Story: RichT

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