Russian Oligarch Considers Buying 'Neighbours'

'Unlike my mate Putin, I'm not in favour of taking over neighbours by force', said the oligarch today. 'For some reason, doing that seems to upset a lot of people. And it can do quite a lot of damage. Why risk damaging something which you wish to acquire? With a little understanding...you can find the perfect place. Da-de-dum'

'Money shouldn't be a problem; all I need to do is sell a few footy clubs, yachts & £multi-squillion central London properties. And it's not as though there is anywhere else I could spend my money at the moment anyway. I quite fancy investing on Oz; it's not as dull and rainy as London, where the weather can be almost as grim as back home in the Democratic People's Paradise.'

'So - wish me luck, Comrade sorry, sorry, Sport. G'day.

Hat-tip stewartbarclay

Image: Pixabay/Tama66

'Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours, like me' croons Putin

The cancellation of the Australian soap Neighbours is now thought to be the primary motivation for the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

An aide to Putin said 'Vlad is a huge fan of Neighbours. He used to watch it twice a day, but he preferred it in the 1980s, much like the Soviet Union. He always used to sing along with the theme tune, you know, Neighbours... everybody needs good neighbours - like Russia! The show warmed the cockles of where his heart should be. Now it's being cancelled, he no longer believes good neighbours become good friends so the only possible alternative is invasion and the accompanying indiscriminate slaughter. Anyway who said nuclear war? Not me! Why are you always going on about nuclear war?'

Image: Pixabay/Pexels

Holly Willoughby is still flirting with you

Malcolm Bray (56) has informed his long-suffering wife, that Holly Willoughby is still besotted with him, despite having never met him. Malcolm explained: ‘Every morning I switch on the TV and there she is, just waiting for me. All the other presenters are looking straight to camera, but Holly is mentally undressing me with her eyes. Which is particularly easy, I’ve all I’m wearing in a dressing. Yes, I may have licked the TV screen, but that was a one off. Holly needs to move on. I can’t be blamed for my animal magnetism’.

Friends have said Malcolm is just a creepy old man, to which Malcom replied: ‘Well, if it works for Phillip Schofield…’

image from pixabay