Scandinavian detective upbeat despite series of personal tragedies

Scandinavian TV detective Fred Blomqvist is in no way downcast after falling victim to the latest in a series of personal and work-related traumas, it has emerged.

Having your six-year-old daughter chopped into pieces and fed to piranha by Sweden’s self-styled ‘Aquarium killer’ would be enough to make even the most battle-hardened detectives consider their future, but Blomqvist insisted he is rolling with the punches.

‘Yeah, I’ll hold my hands up - the daughter thing was a setback,’ admitted the 53-year-old divorcee from his converted Uppsala farmhouse, which overlooks acres of bleak agricultural landscape. ‘But I’m refusing to react to it. I won’t take the bait,’ he added, with a cheeky wink and a playful nudge to the ribs.

Blomqvist is legendary for his almost supernatural ability to take everything in his stride and is credited with the introduction of a ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps’ poster in the foyer of the police HQ.

The interview was interrupted by Blomqvist’s distinctive ringtone. When the call was over, Blomqvist’s voice cracked momentarily. ‘That was the son from my first-marriage with Linda, who was killed when a tractor reversed over her in a one-way street in broad daylight,’ he said.

‘Well, it’s not such great news about his leukaemia, but on the plus side it’s looking like the jackdaw he found by the roadside with a broken wing is going to pull through. Isn’t that just fantastic? Aww heck, pass me a tissue will you - I’ve got something in my eye.’

Image: Pixabay/pixel2013

Story taken from '15 Years of Typos'

Alan Sugar under fire for bogus apprenticeship scheme

The employment practices of an Essex businessman were under the spotlight today, after investigators uncovered an elaborate scam being run from his Brentwood offices. Luring up to 18 recruits a year with the promise of £250,000, Alan Sugar, also known by the sinister sobriquet ‘Lord’, had been running a sham training programme for over 12 years. Newcomers worked unpaid for up to 3 months, forced to perform a series of demeaning tasks for Sugar’s personal gratification.

‘We first contacted Sugar after hearing that the search for his apprentice was continuing,’ reported David Peters, from the national fraud unit. ‘We suggested a 4-year Modern Apprenticeship to meet his needs. He seemed to have no idea about the new national qualifications framework and standards. He asked whether we were talking about a new public sector task planned for week 4, and whether our apprentice could ‘smell what sells’. He also assured us his training was accredited by the school of hard knocks and the University of Life, before hanging up.’

Suspicions aroused, Peters started to track Sugar using covert surveillance, 30 cameras, and a full symphony orchestra playing that well known bit from Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights.

Sugar proved elusive however, cleverly rotating his ‘apprentices’ around London townhouses, transporting them in separate chauffeur-driven black cars, and, in one notable episode, moving them to an antique shop in Northern France to avoid detection.

However, undercover police were able to gather slo-mo images of the workers striding purposefully across Millenium Bridge in business suits at 9 p.m. every Thursday on prime-time television. Together with surprisingly clear recordings of conversations about work tasks, shouted by the workers into a cell phone on speaker mode, a case against Sugar's scam scheme was gradually built up.

‘This was no apprenticeship, just ritual humiliation, the effects of which will last a lifetime,’ noted Peters. ‘Spot checks at 5 a.m., required to parade for Sugar in tight-fitting Calvin Klein and Agent Provocateur underwear. That footage was, I have to say, tantalisingly brief. One particular worker was ordered to dress as a receptionist, and forced to repeat the phrase ‘Lord Sugar will see you now’, whilst the businessman pleasured himself behind a frosted glass screen. His henchmen, called simply ‘Claude’ and ‘Karen’, would stand guard, looking on impassively. Truly horrific.’

‘Self-centred, power hungry, a despicable individual,’ concluded Peters. ‘Enough about Katie Hopkins, though, this is about naming and shaming Sugar. Unfortunately, lowlife chancers like him inevitably turn up again, typically in professions where standards and ethics are much lower. Just look at Donald Trump.’

Image: Pixabay/Goumbik

Channel 4 apologizes as Grand Designs couple don't overspend or get pregnant

A spokesman for Channel 4 has apologised profusely after thousands of viewers complained about the content of this week's Grand Designs. Presenter Kevin McCloud, could be seen seething on camera as this week's couple, Tarquin and Philomena Farquar-Slowly were seen to have planned everything down to the last detail and even had a contingency plan and emergency funds.

Their "grand design" a former railway water tower with the added twist of being rebuilt in a tree on the side of a former slag heap, using only reclaimed materials and local labour, and powered by their own urine, was a huge success.

One viewer told us, "I was devastated! They didn't even have one blazing row where the man kicks something over and disappears for three weeks. The woman wasn't even pregnant for the whole show and about to give birth any second, yet still managing to carry concrete slabs up a ladder. They even had the correct planning permission, FFS!!!! I feel cheated!"

Tarquin and Philomena did not have to spend the winter in a leaky caravan nor did they max out fifteen credit cards or have to give false details at B&Q. They did not go cap in hand to Philomena's aunt, who hates Tarquin, or sell any of their family heirlooms, vehicles or bodily organs.

Kevin McCloud was unavailable for comment and is believed to be staying with friends.

Image: Pixabay/Muntzir

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