Elon Musk Vows To Purchase And 'Massively Overhaul' Lego Toy Company

In the last 48 hours Elon Musk has made an audacious bid to buy the toy company Lego. After his recent purchase of social media giant Twitter/X, Musk has set his sights on another cultural touchstone, this time in the shape of the Danish toy manufacturers.

Insiders claim that an initial bid of twenty million dollars was ‘just an opening gambit’, and Musk subsequently made a second bid of three hundred trillion dollars, more than the total financial output of every country on earth. Pressed by a Washington Post reporter on how he would afford to structure such a purchase Musk allegedly called the journalist a ‘pedo’ and posted a gif of himself dancing to ‘Gangnam Style’.

Musk’s long-term intentions should the purchase go through have long been known: he has a history of talking about how ‘inefficiently run’ the Lego toy company is and in a 2019 interview with the Wall Street Journal he is quoted as saying ‘I think people are tired of the status quo with Lego, they want something more, but Lego are too big and clumsy to react to the new paradigm shift. They stick to the whole ‘toy building blocks’ thing, and they aren’t adapting to the rapid changes occurring in areas like military drone technology and nuclear power. I want to drag them into the present.’

Insiders claim his first move will be to change the company name to ‘HawkingRadiation-J9788’, and to start selling the Lego instruction manuals separately. He has already drawn up plans to fire 99.999999% of staff at the company - a move which has been criticised as ‘mathematically impossible’ - and has vowed to install himself as King of Lego Land, a title which does not exist at the company and never has.

Insiders say that the King of Lego Land title is the ‘only deal breaker’ for Musk.

Other plans rumoured to have been floated by Musk include making the Lego bricks themselves less ‘confusing’ by making all bricks monochromatic and identical in shape, and gluing the bricks together so that people ‘can concentrate on appreciating the aesthetic purity’ of the playsets. When asked by a reporter whether children will enjoy playing with such Lego sets Elon Musk shook his head and furrowed his brow, as though the question itself made no sense.

image from pixabay

Twitter removes block feature but keeps tw*t feature

The artist formerly known as Twitter has confirmed that it is disabling the function that allows you to stick your fingers in your ears and go 'la, la, la, I can't hear you'. It will, however, be retaining millions of arseholes to make the whole free-speech experience, truly unbearable.

Explained an 'X' executive: 'If you are going to sign up to the hellscape that is Twitter. the least you can do is have it unfiltered. There's no point complaining about intolerance if you can't hear Lawrence Fox.'

One Twitter user was perplexed when someone suggested that if they wanted to ignore something unpleasant, they could just not look at Twitter: 'What?!? Where's the fun in that?'

Newspaper mocked on Twitter for reporting what’s happening on Twitter as journalism

A well-known newspaper has been widely mocked on Twitter for a series of articles consisting of nothing more than reporting that people were being mocked on Twitter.

It began when they reported that a public figure was being mocked on Twitter for what he had to say about a recent film.

'like wtaf? just repeating what ppl are saying on twitter isnt news' tweeted @toomuchfreetime

'totes its just like so lame lmao' agreed @obeseneckbeard

'why dont they stick to top 10 lists, i rlly like them' added @neverseensunlight

'ill never read it again, or anything else with more than 148 characters' added @livinginmomsbasement

In a late development, a satirical news website was mocked on Twitter for bothering to cover the story.

Image: Nijwam Swargiary (@pixel_talkies) | Unsplash Photo Community