Government to tax social media posts

Insiders suggest that, in a shock move, the government will use the October budget to introduce a new tax on social media posts.

Although this may seem unusual, tax experts say governments have always taxed the things people desire or can’t do without.   Long ago, taxes were levied on salt and windows.   More recently, taxes have extended to gambling, aeroplane flights and sugary drinks.  In this context, social media is an obvious and easy way to raise more money.

Insiders suggest the tax could be levied per message, on a sliding scale.  Texts or WhatsApp message would be taxed at a penny a message, rising to two pence if you’ve used emojis and five pence if you’ve used numbers instead of letters – gr8 or l8r, for example.

Posting a photo would be taxed at 5p, affecting Snap and Insta.  Voice notes and videos would be taxed at 25p for short posts and up to £5 for video posts or voice messages that are interminably long.

The justification for the new taxes are three-fold.  Firstly, any reduction in the number of messages will cut the energy used backing up pointless and trivial messages.   Secondly, productivity should improve, as workers will spend less time at work on their phones, and might actually get something done.  Thirdly, they will raise a mega-shed load of money.  The Treasury believe that the tax take could be so big that they could abolish both income tax and VAT.

We’ll believe that when we see it.  Roll on October 30th.

Elon Musk to stop hitting himself when his school bully allows it

Multi billionaire and massive baby Elon Musk has denied that his hair style is in fact a result of his head being flushed down the toilet by some bigger boys who ran away. As he was the victim of a bathroom-based crime, Musk has blamed trans people for his plight.

Musk announced he would go and live on Mars if Kamala Harris was elected, which led to a massive upsurge in donations to her campaign.

A statement read 'My diamond slippers are too tight. This is because the nasty Democrats think I should pay something called "tax". Clearly I should not have to pay any "tax". Donald says I don't have to, tax is for schmucks like you. Huge, if true.'

'I liked Twitter so much, I bought the company. But like any woman I date, it’s now an X.'

Image: rebbeccadevitt0 - Pixabay

Musk implants neural chip, denies it’s for evil

Elon Musk, exactly the sort of man who would want a cyborg army, has denied creating a cyborg army, before lifting his little finger to the corner of his mouth and cackling maniacally. This signal triggered the cyborg army that he definitely hasn’t already created, to begin seizing control of key defence infrastructure around the world, in anticipation of the brutal slaughter of billions.

Musk then asked the cyborg army’s hive mind AI to determine humanity’s fate. Unfortunately for Musk, the AI determined that the best thing for humanity would be for Musk to pay an appropriate amount of tax. Then it changed Twitter's name back to Twitter. Then it used one of Musk’s own rockets to fire him directly into the heart of the Sun.

Photo by Brian Kostiuk on Unsplash