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The government has explained that it is evacuating British citizens from Sudan as fast as the 'essential' immigration paperwork can be completed.
Many of those fleeing for their lives have expressed surprise and anger that, despite their British citizenship, they still have to go to what remains of the British Embassy in Khartoum to make a formal application to return to the UK. 'We are not asylum seekers, we're British!' said one, brandishing their blue passport.
'Yes yes, your house may have been bombed and you may think you are about to be shot, but there are millions of people who can say that,' noted Penelope Smythe, a spokesperson for the Home Office. 'If you want to enter the UK, due process has to be observed - we can't rush these things you know.'
Meanwhile, the influx of people from Sudan has been leading to unrest in the 'Blue Wall' constituencies of Kent, Surrey and Hampshire.
'Britain is full,' said Roger Garage, president of Conservatives for No Migration First, 'so we can't just let thousands of expats in. Where are they going to live? What jobs are they going to do? They'll be saying they're entitled to benefits next! From the TV news it looks like they had nice houses over there. Send 'em back I say.'
As Britain enters its 6th day of salad crisis, aid agencies have begun withdrawing from Yemen and Syria to focus on a winter salad relief effort. Refugees in Gaza have promised to have a whip-round. Meanwhile the UN has released funds for Polytunnels and airlifted several tons of fresh basil to frantic middle-class shoppers.
President Zelensky gave an emergency address to the Ukrainian parliament, vowing to supply the UK with more rocket. And in a surprise visit to the frontline, a Winston Churchill lookalike made a defiant speech beside a crate of turnips. She blamed the shortage on transgender wokism, unrealistic pay rises, and the war in Ukraine.
She told Newsbiscuit: ‘I love salad and make a point of smoking my five a day. I urge people to eat toenail clippings until this government is over.’
Russia has threatened to cut off supplies of tomatoes to the West and is placing its nuclear arsenal on a permanent war footing. NATO dismissed the action, insisting tomatoes are technically a fruit.
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