top of page
Search

Football club owner suffered ‘suspected poisoning



The soccer world has been rocked by allegations that Reg Tupper, owner of Isle of Wight Top Tiles Premiership team Athletico Cowes may have been poisoned.


An ashen-faced Reg has briefed the world’s sporting press:-


“We were cock-a-hoop on Saturday after we had done the double over our fiercest rivals Sporting Shanklin. Naturally I took the lads out to a slap-up meal afterwards to celebrate. I treated everyone to the very finest from Dave’s Doners van – with all the trimmings of course. We then went to the Cowes Boutique wine bar where I had my usual 11 pints of ‘Olde Bowel Basher’ cider.


However, most unusually I woke up the following morning feeling a bit queasy – know what I mean? I had to warn the missus to give it 10 minutes before using the toilet.


I can only think that someone must have wanted to do me harm, what with me being one of the top Isle Of Wight business men. Only a far-sighted entrepreneur like me would have had the courage to go into the Pic ‘n Mix business after Woolworths folded.


I’ve got a cast iron stomach when it comes to grub and drink. I can only suspect someone somehow managed to doctor my pork scratchings in the bar.”




First published 30 Mar 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?


















Putin first world leader to send message of congratulations to Will Smith



Despite having other fish frying, Russian despot Vladimir Putin, has been quick off the mark and becomes the first world leader to congratulate Will Smith, after the Men In Black star sensationally decked presenter Chris Rock live on stage at the Oscars ceremony.


A Kremlin spokesman said: 'This is pure gold for Mr Putin. It has shown the world there is an even bigger twonk than he is. With such an ill-judged action in the full glare of the world's media, this mudak, Smith, makes Mr Putin look like a tactical genius. Now we have a golden chance to brush our own monumental military cock-ups and war crimes under the carpet, as this utterly pointless Oscars story is going to run and run for weeks. Trust me, comrade.'


Meanwhile experts are divided over the unprecedented event. One high profile box-office hot ticket star attending the Vanity Fair after-party said: 'It was quite a moment wasn't it? Speaking for myself, though, I can honestly say had I been there I don't know which of them I'd have decked first. Irrespective of any jokes or slurs.'




First published 28 Mar 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?


















NATO denies fighter jets 'too high-performance to be useful in Ukraine'


A NATO spokesman today denied that NATO's top-gun fighter, the F35, was 'too high performance' to be of any practical use in the 'dirty battlefield' of Ukraine.



He admitted that the state-of-the-art jets require 'cleaned' runways, airspace free of drones and hand-held missiles, and good wifi access in all areas of operation.


He went on to say this would not prevent them dominating the airspace in Ukraine, given a sympathetic social media atmosphere.



"President Zalensky has read the marketing brochures" he explained. "Whilst that might lead him to think the jets would be the solution to many of his problems, it does tend to skim over all the limitations of these planes."


"I'm not saying the ads are bullshit, but they might be painting a rosy picture"


McDonnell-Douglas, manufacturer of the eye-wateringly expensive F-35, was unavailable for comment. But they did promise to launch an airstrike on our HQ, as soon as the political atmosphere improves and they can find a pilot who can fly the blasted things.






First published 13 Feb 2023


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















bottom of page