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Critics of the UK government are saying that Boris Johnson’s visit to Ukraine has been used as a political stunt to distract people from events unfolding in the UK. But Mr. Johnson insists that he didn’t realise there was a war going on in Ukraine at the time of his visit and only found out about it afterwards.


Mr. Johnson then changed his defence saying that although there was a war going on he hadn’t realised it was taking place in Ukraine. The PM then changed his defence again by insisting the war was not actually taking place in the areas that he visited and so he could not have known anything about it.


Critics later accepted Johnson’s defence by agreeing that he could not have known about the war in Ukraine after all. ‘To be fair….you only have to see him walking around the bomb site to know he new nothing about the war’ said The Guardian war correspondent…..’everybody else was wearing battle fatigues and camouflage equipment while he was mincing around in a Savile Row suit and a pair of Bruno Magli slip-ons.


'Nobody in their right mind would visit a bomb site dressed as though they were heading for a champagne dinner at The Savoy. Once again it is his advisors and backroom staff who are to blame. As ever, Johnson knew nothing about any wrong doing’.




First published 14 April 2022



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In a surprise tactical change, the Russian army has withdrawn from Ukraine and encircled Hogwarts school, claiming the liberation of a fictional location was their intent all along. 'You can shove your sanctions,' suggested a Russian spokesman, 'once we force Harry Potter to surrender then we will be all powerful.' The UK government has extended sanctions to include all J K Rowling books, but noted that as Hogwarts isn't in NATO it can't intervene, even in literature. 'We might provide a poem or two,' suggested a spokesman from the MoD.


First published 29 March 2022




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A No. 10 spokesbeing has told our reporter that far from inaction over the war in Ukraine, the Prime Minister is intent on studying War and Peace in order to discover the steps that need to be taken for how the war could become peace.


All four volumes are apparently awaiting collection from the Post office after a civil servant refused to accept them as they were addressed to the Prime Minister, a post the civil servant said was a figment of a twisted imagination.


When asked when the PM intends to start reading War and Peace, the aide said "I wouldn't hold your breath, he intends to start it immediately after he's finished A la recherche du temps perdu, a novel Rupert Murdoch told him he should read, but he's stuck on page 3 at the moment, wondering where the tits are.


Previously published 27 March 2022


Image: Newsbiscuit



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