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'Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours, like me' croons Putin




The cancellation of the Australian soap Neighbours is now thought to be the primary motivation for the Russian invasion of Ukraine.


An aide to Putin said 'Vlad is a huge fan of Neighbours. He used to watch it twice a day, but he preferred it in the 1980s, much like the Soviet Union. He always used to sing along with the theme tune, you know, Neighbours... everybody needs good neighbours - like Russia! The show warmed the cockles of where his heart should be. Now it's being cancelled, he no longer believes good neighbours become good friends so the only possible alternative is invasion and the accompanying indiscriminate slaughter. Anyway who said nuclear war? Not me! Why are you always going on about nuclear war?'




First published 4 Mar 2022


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WW3 is a small price to pay to escape Brexit




An advocate for a second referendum explained: 'I hear a lot of negativity about Nuclear winters, but who doesn't like to snuggle up, with a nice matching sweater from John Lewis? This is an opportunity to reject Brexit - after all, you can't leave Europe if there is no Europe to leave.


'We need to support the Ukraine and their affordable au pairs. Nuclear holocaust is backed by 48% of the public, which from my perspective, is a stonking majority'.




First published 3 Mar 2022


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Johnson will allow some refugees in UK but only in if they bid to play him at tennis first




Boris Johnson has told fleeing Ukranian refugees they would be able to enter the UK on a visa but only if they bid in an auction to play him at tennis and make donations to the Conservative party.


Mr Johnson said it was only fair that Ukranian refugees faced the same level of rigorous checks and balances that super rich Russian oligarchs faced when they first came to the UK.


Assessing the tennis skills of wealthy individuals wanting to become UK citizens had been a very effective way of establishing whether they were suitable or not. Other ways of assessing a persons character include a game of bridge with a Tory peer and attending a gymkhana event at your local pony club.


The PM said the plight of Ukranians fleeing their country was of great concern to the UK but they had to show just how serious they were about wanting to escape the threat of Russian bombs.


‘And what better way to show how desperate you are to escape death than to make a huge donation to the Conservative party’ said the PM ‘it shows a willingness to fit in.


And as a goodwill gesture to our Ukrainian friends we won’t be asking the women and children to establish their source of wealth’.




First published 12Mar 2022


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