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Johnson only visited Kyiv to scope out local tax laws



Boris Johnson recently visited Ukraine to determine its suitability as somewhere for Tory cabinet ministers and their spouses to be domiciled but obviously not to live.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'The Channel and Cayman Islands are a bit passé these days. For elite tax dodging, you've got to start hitting war zones. If you get caught, you disguise it as a photo op with a younger, more charismatic, more popular leader and donate them some weapons.'


'Alternatively you can throw a little shiny-suited strop and demand an inquiry into how your wife's dubious non-dom status leaked and keep the story of you as Scrooge McDuck alive for longer. Rishi can no longer get aroused unless he can see the raw desperation in the eyes of the proletariat. First he lowers his tax liability, then his trousers.'



First published 12 April 2022


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Some war crimes are more 'crimey' than others



With alleged massacres in the Ukraine, the US was quick to label it a war crime, as it takes one to know one: 'Admittedly we've always said the ICC has no jurisdiction and we'd invade the Hague if they investigated our own war crimes, but you know...that was last year and...um...stuff...you know?' With none of the key members of the UN Security Council actual signatories to the ICC, it makes it a little hard to cry wolf when you have been called Wolfy McWolfFace. The US insisted: 'If it happens to white Christians, it's a crime. If it happens to brown folks, it's a reallocation of oil reserves'.




First published 8 April 2022


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Russia complains Ukraine 'isn't playing fair'



The Russian Federation has lodged a formal complaint about Ukraine following a series of 'unforgivable' offensive actions by 'rogue Ukrainians', or 'defenders' as they prefer to be called.

'We are supposed to be the aggressors,' said a Russian spokesman. 'But they attack our tanks, our soldiers and now they fly into Russia and attack us. It's so unfair,' he added.

Ukrainian defence experts have acknowledged that they were billed as defenders and as such, should be incrementally losing ground. 'Soz, didn't get the memo,' said one expert. 'Perhaps Russia is misrepresenting our defence for offence. We can clearly state that we are just defending Ukraine and have no interest in attacking Russian locations,' he said, looking at his watch and hauling a missile onto his shoulder. 'Apart from Moscow,' he added.




First published 4 April 2022


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