Ukraine 'frustrated' by failure to retake area the size of Wales

Although generally buoyed by retaking an area believed to be the area of Hampshire, that is, over 3000 square kilometres, President Zelenski is dismayed they are nowhere near the gold standard of square areas.

A spokesman said that 'although the troops have done well, by being compared to the footprint of Hampshire they are being ridiculed back home. Everyone knows you need to retake an area close to the size of Wales, about 21000 square kilometres, for anyone to have any sense of achievement.'

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Boris's breakfast ruined by news on Ukraine and Covid

Now that he has a little more time on his hands, Boris Johnson has caught up on the news and is shocked to find the war is still ongoing in Ukraine and that Covid is around. "Good grief!" he said, almost ruining his wallpaper as he spat his breakfast cup of tea across Downing Street while leisurely browsing some newspapers.

"Carrie, have you seen this? It says that blighter Putin is still waging war in Ukraine and has in fact extended his military aims. But I told the MPs at PMQs that I had 'helped save another country from barbarism'." The prime minister went quiet for a moment, then chuckled at a comic strip and muttered: "Oh very good, rather amusing."

Moments later he dropped his jam and toast on the carpet, and sat with his mouth wide open. "Oh my word," he exclaimed, "I don't ruddy believe it. Carrie, look at this. There! It says here that Covid levels have been very high lately. Crikey, I told MPs that I'd got the country through the pandemic.

"If only I'd had the time to look at these papers. I might have realised if I was not busy with important government business like having to go up in a military jet and come up with zingers like Captain Crash-a-Roony Snoozefest (tee hee - that still makes me chuckle). Do you think I misled the House?"

He looked even more crestfallen as Carrie quietly said: "And don't forgot the thousands of people that have died from it already." Boris stared, open mouthed for a moment. "But, but, in my resignation speech I said that I had got us all through the pandemic. Now the public may think I am great big fibber!

"Maybe the mission isn't accomplished..." A moment of silence followed, and then he drained his teacup, clapped his hands and said: "Oh well, spilt milk and all that. No good worrying about these trifling things - I've got a leaving party to arrange!

"Carrie, where's the suitcase? I need to take the first of many trips to the shops! Keep an eye on kids - and any of the others that pop round. Hasta la vista baby"

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Boris Johnson's happy place is in a fridge in a £150,000 treehouse in Ukraine

Everyone on Boris Johnson's own team is urging him to go to his happy place. Literally, f*ck off to Ukraine.

The Ukrainian President, however, is getting a bit sick of glad-handing Pig Dog every time the dishevelled snout-hound runs away to him. 'It has taken all of my acting ability to keep a straight face while speaking highly of the UK Prime Minister,' conceded Volodymyr Zelenskyy. If I don't get the Oscar for this, then Hollywood is more corrupt than the Belarusian high command.

'If we have to put up with that stinking coward hiding from his own personally selected Cabinet one more time, then we will be forced to show him what a real leader is. If he doesn't pull himself together, then even I will last longer than him, and he hasn't had to deal with his nation being invaded by Russia.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/tama66-1032521/